So I've been destroyed by work and school. And that's okay. But I realized something last night:
Very few of my friends share with me one of the most important parts of who I am: I am an adventurer at heart. I love to travel, to learn, and experience new places and people and cultures and food and life.
But many of the people I am closest to don't have the same love affair with the world that I do. For example, the last guy I was in love with would be fully content to live the rest of his life out on the Oregon Coast, never leaving his home state. My best friend considers drinking and smoking hookah and going to the beach to be extreme fun and adventure.
But I want more.
There is a discontent within me. I can't just stay in one place for years on end and be happy. I don't feel a rush from drinking with friends in someone's basement. I want to drink with friends at an outdoor cafe in a foreign city. I want to skydive and fly across oceans and photograph the world. I can't be someone in a dead-end job with a life in a bubble.
And this made me realize some things. First off, I need new friends. It's a terrible thing to say about the people I love, but they hold me back. Just as I know Ryan wishes she could be out drinking when she's with me, I'm wishing I was dragging her through Shanghai.
But I am too responsible. And I forget about my needs, and I diligently care for others and I constantly consider consequences and the future. And I need to let go of my fear of screwing up everything I worked for and just GO FOR IT.
Once I figure out what it is.
My friends are unafraid because their ambitions lead them to the same old places. And I'm terrified because my ambitions have me trekking across the world alone.
I'm really scared to be alone. But being by myself wandering the streets of St. Petersburg can't possibly be more lonely than my life right now.
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2 comments:
Oy! I wish I had more money...if I did I would go and travel with you. I don't want to jump out of any plane, but I would love to walk the shady streets of St. Petersberg, like walked the shady streets of Prague and Krakow!!!
Please don't replace me. I wouldn't replace you!
RM: You're one of two friends I have in the States who shares my love of adventure and culture. I would never replace you. And I don't intend to replace my other, more domestic friends - I just need to accept who they are, where they are in life, and learn to appreciate them without expecting some great adventure in the end.
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