=(

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

The Physicist emailed. But I wasn't even happy because

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

Tired of so much

I know I should post about my excellent weekend, but I'm tired and preoccupied. Thanks to RM and Erd I have been stuck with Jailbait in my head for days. RM has stopped calling him "pretty boy" and now refers to him as my "boyfriend." Erd couldn't remember which guy at the party was Jailbait until I showed him a photo, and he said, "oh! The sexy fellow!"

My life is ruined. Thanks, guys.

I miss him - Jailbait. He's gone with his family for six days to Cancun, and yesterday was the first day he was gone, thus entirely logged offline. It made me very sad not to see his name in a chat window or online in a buddy list.

While my current depression is not RM's fault, nor is it Erd's, I'm still a bit peeved at them for making it so much worse than it needs to be.

In the meantime the Physicist has not gotten in touch, and if Wednesday comes and he hasn't called or written, I will write him off.... and figure out a good way to let Jailbait in on my crush.

Secret Sundays

Visitors!

So RM is in town visiting, and it's pretty cool. For the second time, we got our Airports mixed and I had to drive a LOT further than expected, but that's okay. It's not like it makes hanging out with him any less fun.

But I AM kind of annoyed with him, and here's why: He met Jailbait, and he called Jailbait a "pretty-boy." Now, I don't deny it - RM is right: He's too cute to be a geek. But damnit, I never thought of him as a pretty-boy, and now I'm stuck with it in my head. It won't stop! I've been thinking about him ALL NIGHT. I'm so, so pissed. Not at RM, but at this age difference. Couldn't he at least be a freshman in college so he wouldn't feel so much like... a kid!?

I need to spell it out for this guy that I dig him, but like I already told RM, I'm going to hold off on it just a little while longer. I've been emailing a Physicist whom I met through my silly "Femnerd Seeks Arch-Nemesis" ad on craigslist. We've exchanged phone numbers, and he wants to meet up. I think I should meet him before I spill the beans with Jailbait. I mean - this guy's older and in more of the same stage in life as I am. Jailbait would be fun, but complicated. After all, he lives with his parents, and will be in high school for another year.

So yeah. If the Physicist is interesting, I may as well try him out.

Also: I'm trying out actually adding relevant links to items mentioned in my post. Good? Bad?

Gooooooooooooooooals!

Ripped off from a friend.... and in no particular order…

SHORT-TERM GOALS (0-5 YEARS)

-Take stunt-driving lessons
-Become trilingual (fill in Spanish gaps, fluent in farsi)
-Road trip to anywhere
-Travel abroad
-Step on a cake in my bare feet
-Go to the Airport and say, "One Ticket, Anywhere X Dollars will Take Me"
-Get Arrested at a Political Rally
-Build an investment portfolio
-Lose the weight
-Find a career

MEDIUM-TERM GOALS (5-10 YEARS)

-Attend a World Cup (especially final game)
-Experience being the "it" girl in some respect
-See the rest of the 7 wonders of the ancient world
-Travel to the rest of the seven continents

LONG-TERM GOALS (10+ YEARS)

-Pay off house
-Go to outer space/moon
-Draw an animated short
-Make an independent film
-Buy a yacht and do a sailing trip
-Invent something awesome
-Perform on stage in a play and/or musical

Secret Sundays

AAAAARRGGH!

My dad was surprisingly not horrible. He gave me half the money he usually does on holidays (which is still a lot... he "buys" love from his children) and only said one or two bad things about me in passing.

My best friend never said anything about my birthday. I sent her a message today, asking, "Between seeing me Sunday night and texting me yesterday, what's your excuse for not acknowledging my birthday?" Five hours later I still have no reply.

All in all things were good. I just wish I could have READ MY BOOK. My cousins made sure that wouldn't happen when they crashed my house and cooked me dinner. It was nice of them, but... I wanted ME time!

AS FOR WORK,

I started 20 hours a week for my father and 20 hours at my real job. It took an hour in traffic to get to my dad's office this morning, and so much work was piled on me that I got to my real job 30 minutes late. My dad even wanted me to stay for lunch! HAH!

New rule: I accept NO work handed to me after 12:30pm, so I can finish up and bolt out of there by 1:00. As it stands I've had nothing to eat all day and I'm ready to snap the head off of anyone who dares to ask anything of me. Oh yeah, and my music teacher called yesterday to reschedule Wednesday's lesson - so I get to rush out of my real job at 5:30 to be at my lesson at 6:00.

This all means I'll get home between 7:30 and 8:00, which, by my new "don't eat past 7pm" rule, means I've just fasted for a day.

Dune: I hate you. Just for today. You've forced me to be... less cold-hearted, and that means instead of completely avoiding my father today I'm going to call him and see if he'll go out to lunch with me.

With memories of his tirades about how stupid, lazy, fat, pathetic, and undesirable (etc) I am still raw, I'm hoping this doesn't turn into my 20th birthday. He yelled at me for an hour that morning, telling me every "flaw" he saw in me and how no man in his right mind could ever love someone like me, ending with "and happy birthday."

If this time repeats like before...

I can't even express what's going on in my head. I don't know myself.

Grr

I spent this morning text messaging my best friend about plans to see Batman on Friday and feedback on the friends she introduced me to last night. It was a pleasant enough conversation, but I thought she sent me a text at 10:00 in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. Last night she didn't mention it, and refused to hang out earlier than the movie we saw, or later than the movie.

I feel cheated, and if she doesn't wish me a goddamned happy birthday today I'm not making her another crazy cake for hers this year. She knows I'm not big on receiving presents, and she knows the only thing I want from the people close to me is for them to remember my birthday and say "happy birthday" at some point.

If things don't change by sundown, I'm going to kick her ass. Quite literally.

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me.

Secret Sundays

Hmm..

One of my dearest, best male friends told me he made a list of all the things he was ideally looking for in a girl, and wished he could one day find. He wanted to send it to me, asking what I think. Would this girl even exist? Here's his list:

ABSOLUTELY MUST:
...be willing to put pride aside in lieu of having fun, even if that means making a complete ass of herself
...be honest
... have cute mannerisms and random quirks (nervous ticks, fear of iguanas, obsessive need to sit on her feet even while in a chair, etc.)
...have a normal weight BMI (neither significantly over or underweight, and since the BMI scale is really broad and inspecific, that seems reasonable)
...not enjoy rap (a few novelty songs are forgiveable, but if she owns a rap CD and listens to it with any regularity, she's out)
...want kids
...be born before 9-20-90
...want to live in the city
...under 5'9"
...not be defensive by nature
...and not have cosmetic surgery (reconstructive is excluded in this statement)

IDEAL GIRL HAS SOME OF THESE:
...is a brunette
...loves star wars and\or dune
...is between 4'10" and 5'5"
...is cute in appearance (as opposed to sexy, beautiful, or pretty)
...not have blue eyes (unless they are heterochromatic)
...plays video games (sports and rhythm games not included)
...loves House and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
...wants 3-4 kids
...be born after 9-20-85
...Is politically outspoken and not partisan
...is mature enough to hold a conversation about the relative value of religion in an information-centered society but immature enough to laugh at a particularly rank fart


Considering my own history and the current times, I got very defensive over the age thing. In fact, I was downright angry one of his ideals was being older than the girl. Eventually I was placated enough by his insistence that having even three other "ideal" qualities overrides age... but... grr!

Also, I told him a few things about Dune and he flipped and begged me for her phone number, which I would never give... even if I had it. And he's still begging. Dune, he may not be a guy who fits YOUR ideals, but you at least have one fan in the US who would HARASS ME UNTIL I DIE for a chance to speak to you.

Seeking Arch-Nemesis

Having given up on conventional means of making friends and meeting people, I posted an ad on Craigslist based on a dare from RM. This was a little over a month ago, and from this very simple "Are there any antisocial nerds out there?" ad, I made one good friend.

Taking this idea again, I posted a personal ad on CL that was both a joke, and very serious. It was as follows:

"Femnerd seeks Arch-Nemesis man."

Politically charged, abrasive intellectual female looking for male counterpart to verbally spar with, offend, and probably insult in kind - because all is fair in war.

Ideal candidate enjoys debates, current events, and activities such as a trip to the Newseum, rally on the National Mall, or cinema - mostly intelligent, often off the beaten path, sometimes foreign.

I didn't think that I would get an real replies, but to my surprise EVERY reply I got was serious. All 25 of them, many from guys between 26 and 30 years of age who were tired of "normal" girls and wanted something different - specifically someone like me. They claimed to want intelligent conversation and cultural awareness. These guys, for the most part, were real catches. Good looking professionals with bright looking futures. Lawyers, Scientists, Businessmen.... all wanting someone with personality and intelligence, several saying that looks weren't as important as outlook.

I'm... confounded.

I'm also now emailing a Physicist who is.. nice. He hasn't sent a photo, hasn't asked for one. He just wants to talk. It's refreshing.

EXHAUSTED

So RM told me the other day "why don't you write a post?" And I am:

I know my friends take advantage of my kindness. I know that even the best intentioned friends, the ones who appreciate me a LOT will sometimes just use me. But it sucks. A LOT.

Here's what happend: RM got a reply from a CEO telling him his cover letter for a job application sucked, and gave him tips on how to improve it. He sent it to me, and I freaked out, agreeing with the CEO and offering to help. I turned that bastard of a letter into something good, and he knows it and thanked me for it. His resume, for some reason, was another story. He really, really needed it cleaned out and re-worded. And I did that for him. And he was really happy. BUT YOU ARE A STUBBORN JERK, RM! I sign online and tell you I want to get down to the LAST part of the resume, the objective, and you DO NOT REPLY to me. You DO, but then you drift off. Meanwhile it's getting late. I'm nodding off. I TELL YOU I NEED TO BE IN DC TOMORROW MORNING AT 7AM and yet somehow you STILL want me to stay. FINE. I do. BUT YOU IGNORE ME!! So I go to sign off and say goodbye, AND YOU WANT ME TO STAY.

You're a moron. I love you, you're smart, you're awesome, and in this ONE respect, you're a total moron. It's... it's like the twilight zone. You're a shiny fantastic person until you step into resume/cover letter territory... then you're not YOU anymore, and I start to slowly want to kill you.

Texting my phone when I log off - not cool. Granted, my "LEAVE ME ALONE!!' reply was sent later - I only saw the message, not the time, and thought you'd sent it after I told you it was imperative I go to bed. That's my fault.

But you're driving me crazy. If you want my advice, do as I say. If you don't (Mr Chuck Norris), then don't and let me be.

THAT BEING SAID

I have a lot I wanted to write on the subject of boys, and work. But I'm too tired.

I have a sleep study tonight. Maybe they'll find out why I want to nap so, so much. And why I fall asleep behind the wheel.

Secret Sundays

Independence Day

It takes a day like the 4th of July to remind me that I have no family. I went out to the supermarket to get some berries that were on sale and I saw huge crowds of families out buying last minute items for their cookouts and celebrations today.

It takes a holiday to remind me that I have no traditions and no one to celebrate them with or even start new ones with.

I'm not sad. It's just humbling. It's not like I grew up without celebrating these days - it's just that the people who made the holidays special are all dead now. It's obvious that all of this simply means I need to start new traditions, but how do you do that? You can't make the people you know abandon their long-standing traditions to join a new one with you. And you can't really invite yourself to tag along with them. Though it may not be the kindest thing to say, I don't want to start a tradition of community service on holidays. That would be shooting myself in the foot every year from now until eternity.

I don't often feel like I need to rush my life along, but on days like this I think about how nice it would be to have a family of my own to share the day with. I want so much to have people to cook for and entertain. Hell, even a family of in-laws, or just a boyfriend with a family I can join for a while. But it'll all come in good time. And for now I can take what I've got and be happy. After all, I have a roof over my head, friends who care about me (whether or not they'll spend a holiday with me), a job, a car, and (relatively?) good health. It would be greedy to ask for more.

I just wish I wasn't saving that great book for next weekend!

Bleh

With the exception of RM, my "real life" friends do not know of this blog. They don't know it exists, and they don't read it. I like it that way. So when Ryan tells me she was going to leave town next weekend to see her [skanky] boyfriend, BUT since nothing appears to be going on THIS weekend she might go sooner... I was... disappointed.

In other words, if we had any plans for 4th of July weekend, she'd have left town the following weekend. Even though it's my birthday weekend.

She doesn't know about this blog. And I never told her I didn't want to do anything - I just told her I didn't feel like having the big go-kart party. I'm kind of sad now. Was even my best friend simply lured by go-karts? Without them is my birthday of no importance to her?

It doesn't matter. I have enough problems to deal with this afternoon when I tell my father that I'm quitting working for him if he continues to be horrifically unreasonable as an employer.

So I'd like to know where
I got the notion
To rock the boat....

Secret Sundays?