Oh boy.
I was talking with Jailbait, telling him how "we win" because when I bring a younger friend [him] to hang out with people, it's a hit and there is a pretty seamless transference of the younger friend into my larger, slightly old friend group. And I was telling him how much better he is than Ryan's new friend she brought around - an 18 year old guy who is more annoying and hyper than anyone I currently know.
Jailbait: So I'm not annoying?
Me: Right. You're leaps and bounds above this other guy. You win!
Jailbait: Well now I feel a little better.
A little better, you ask? What could possibly have been wrong, you ask? Well... turns out he broke up with his annoyingly self-centered, bossy girlfriend. Apparently he finally saw what I saw from the start: she takes advantage of him and doesn't appreciate that he's such a good guy.
Which leads me to something I talked to RM about: Can you be a bad person, as in bad at being a person, because you never look out for your own interests?
Okay, that's confusing. So here's the gist: I really like Jailbait because he's fun and outgoing and just a great guy. I can be myself with him which I haven't been able to do much in the last five years. I wish he was just two years older so I wouldn't feel weird liking him. He is suddenly single and in a great deal pain over it. And somehow I'm NOT taking advantage of the situation. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I hate myself. All I can think about when I talk to him is just "my friend is hurting and I need to do what I can to help that hurt end." I would love to be able to insert things about how I would never take a guy for granted, and how much of a good girlfriend I can be. Something sly, but not so sly he doesn't get the message.
But I cannot do it. I'm not capable of being that selfish. I talk to him and I WISH I was selfish, and I wish I could take advantage of his weakened state for my own objectives. And what do I actually do? PROTECT HIM FROM ME!
I want to live life without regrets. But I think I'd rather live regretting never saying anything than live with regrets of acting against my code of conduct. Perhaps the strongest part of me is my self-imposed ethics handbook. I'm like a goddamned white knight. I'm not willing to toss it aside lightly, no matter what I may gain. Without it I'm just... not me.
I hate caring so much about my friends that I'm always ignoring my own needs to help them with theirs. I wish just one of them would return the sentiment.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry that none of your friends show you the same courtesy that you show them -- it seems a shame that if your roles were reversed, jailbait would be all too eager to try and take advantage of the situation for his own gain.
I'm interested though -- does your code of ethics make you happy? However, I'm not suggesting you should ditch them, I think it's a good thing you would care too much about him to risk your friendship.
No, I don't think he'd use the situation to his own gain if the roles were reversed. What I meant was that I don't have any friends who would put my needs over theirs in a given situation. I can't imagine any of them going out of their way to help me or make me feel better when I'm crushed by something.
And yes, my code of ethics makes me happy... often. By always helping others I feel a great joy when I see them on their feet again. I may not always get a "thank you," but to see someone I care about renewed and alive again is thrilling.
As a side note: RM always thanks me for what I do for him. And while I play it off as nothing (because I'd do it again without batting an eye), I really, really appreciate... well... feeling appreciated =)
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