So Ryan and Jailbait and I hung out last night. Red Beard joined later, but that's beside the point: Jailbait was alternately happy to be out with us and depressed about his breakup. I was making brownies in the kitchen, when he joined me for a second. He made an exasperated sound and said he was "depressed on and off." I said, "why?"
His head snapped up at me and he said, "you don't know?" I explained I did know, but I didn't know why he was still so upset. And then he said the thing that would make me feel really bad. He mumbled "it's your fault."
I couldn't believe my ears. I asked what it was that he said, and he said, "peer pressure." He then walked away. Later he came back, and I asked why he would say it's my fault, and he turned around again and on the way out of the kitchen said something about going into the tv room.
Total avoidance.
I know I told him that his girlfriend seemed to take advantage of him (very true), but I said it ONCE! Then I never mentioned it again. And when I told him, he said others had said the same thing. I don't understand how he could say it's my fault.
I don't want to cause my friends pain =(
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Happiness is not a fish that you can catch
Jay: I'm interested though -- does your code of ethics make you happy?
That’s a tough one to answer as a whole. I like helping others, so my compulsive need to be there for people in whatever capacity they require is self serving to an extent. When I make a friend feel better, or when I provide an ear to listen to their problems or a shoulder for them to cry on, I feel good about myself. But it’s not that easy.
I do my damndest to support my friends because I don’t want any of them to feel like I do: entirely alone.
Why do I sculpt insanely crazy cakes for Ryan’s birthday every year? Sure, it’s fun to say I made a pirate ship cake, a severed arm cake that bled when you cut into it, and a Super Mario Bro. 1-up mushroom cake, but it takes FOREVER to do. And with all my wrist and hand and bone problems it's painful. My hands go numb, then they ache, and often they cramp and I need to stop and work in shifts. And sometimes it takes creative engineering. I freakin’ ENGINEER CAKES.
So why do I do it? Because my birthdays are always horrible. And when I realized she was going through the same thing, I couldn’t sit back and let it continue. I know what it’s like to hate your birthday so much that you hide the date and deny it’s here because maybe, MAYBE if no one remembers it can be a normal and uneventful day. And if no one remembers, maybe you won’t remember all the shitty years past.
Early on I decided that this year I’d do something so cool for my birthday that my friends couldn’t say "no" to and skip. But the closer it gets, the less excited I am. The less confidence I have in my friends. And when I realized that the main reason I wanted to go to a go-kart track was to trick my friends into spending my birthday with me... well, I decided it was too pathetic for my taste. Especially when Red Beard made an innocent joke that "at most six people will come." He’s right. So why bother?
I’ve made a resolution to do nothing for my birthday this year. I don’t even want to spend a night in with Ryan watching movies, drinking, and chatting like best friends tend to do. I just want to be alone. Seeing my friends will just shove it further in my face about how little they’d do for me. It’s funny – I know Red Beard would run into the street and push me out of the way if a car was going to hit me. But I also know that in any other scenario he wouldn’t DO anything to show he’s a caring friend. And that holds true for most people.
When I was eleven I threw a surprise birthday party for a good friend of mine. I remembered her mentioning once how great it must be having friends care enough about you to do that. So I waited long enough for her to forget she told me, and sprung it on her. I invited every friend we had, and a dozen people showed to celebrate with her. She was amazingly happy. She still talks about it. And I’m still jealous.
Recently my friend, Goggles – a code junky who would rather write scripts on his computer than do anything else – told me that I was an amazing person. He said that since he befriended me he’s been stepping out of his shell and rediscovering himself. I’ve been encouraging him to go out, to talk to people, and to live life outside of coding. He told me he’s been more confident, and that he’s even talked to a stranger or two while waiting in lines at different stores.
Goggles accused me of being a person who draws the best out of others, and admitted that he suspected it was a one-way street and that talking at length with me he’s found repeated clues that I’m lonely. I felt very exposed when he said that. I wanted to cry and hide, but I was just too happy to have someone observe me for once. I didn’t think people cared enough about me to really pay attention.
RM, like all my other friends, is pretty self-absorbed and has enough problems of his own that I’m not entirely comfortable telling him mine. He does, however, have one trait that makes him scores better than the others – he cares AND he asks after me. I don’t always tell him what’s going on because I’m not always comfortable expressing myself to others. I assume, like always, no one gives a shit. But he does. And I need to learn that and use it. Thankfully, when I want to talk to someone he’s at the top of my short list. He also lets me know how much my friendship means to him, and he lets me know a LOT. I only see it getting better as I learn that it’s okay to let people know what’s going on upstairs.
So back to the question: does my code of ethics make me happy? Sure. The only time it doesn't is when I remember that I'm on a one-way street. And I do my best to ignore street signs.
That’s a tough one to answer as a whole. I like helping others, so my compulsive need to be there for people in whatever capacity they require is self serving to an extent. When I make a friend feel better, or when I provide an ear to listen to their problems or a shoulder for them to cry on, I feel good about myself. But it’s not that easy.
I do my damndest to support my friends because I don’t want any of them to feel like I do: entirely alone.
Why do I sculpt insanely crazy cakes for Ryan’s birthday every year? Sure, it’s fun to say I made a pirate ship cake, a severed arm cake that bled when you cut into it, and a Super Mario Bro. 1-up mushroom cake, but it takes FOREVER to do. And with all my wrist and hand and bone problems it's painful. My hands go numb, then they ache, and often they cramp and I need to stop and work in shifts. And sometimes it takes creative engineering. I freakin’ ENGINEER CAKES.
So why do I do it? Because my birthdays are always horrible. And when I realized she was going through the same thing, I couldn’t sit back and let it continue. I know what it’s like to hate your birthday so much that you hide the date and deny it’s here because maybe, MAYBE if no one remembers it can be a normal and uneventful day. And if no one remembers, maybe you won’t remember all the shitty years past.
Early on I decided that this year I’d do something so cool for my birthday that my friends couldn’t say "no" to and skip. But the closer it gets, the less excited I am. The less confidence I have in my friends. And when I realized that the main reason I wanted to go to a go-kart track was to trick my friends into spending my birthday with me... well, I decided it was too pathetic for my taste. Especially when Red Beard made an innocent joke that "at most six people will come." He’s right. So why bother?
I’ve made a resolution to do nothing for my birthday this year. I don’t even want to spend a night in with Ryan watching movies, drinking, and chatting like best friends tend to do. I just want to be alone. Seeing my friends will just shove it further in my face about how little they’d do for me. It’s funny – I know Red Beard would run into the street and push me out of the way if a car was going to hit me. But I also know that in any other scenario he wouldn’t DO anything to show he’s a caring friend. And that holds true for most people.
When I was eleven I threw a surprise birthday party for a good friend of mine. I remembered her mentioning once how great it must be having friends care enough about you to do that. So I waited long enough for her to forget she told me, and sprung it on her. I invited every friend we had, and a dozen people showed to celebrate with her. She was amazingly happy. She still talks about it. And I’m still jealous.
Recently my friend, Goggles – a code junky who would rather write scripts on his computer than do anything else – told me that I was an amazing person. He said that since he befriended me he’s been stepping out of his shell and rediscovering himself. I’ve been encouraging him to go out, to talk to people, and to live life outside of coding. He told me he’s been more confident, and that he’s even talked to a stranger or two while waiting in lines at different stores.
Goggles accused me of being a person who draws the best out of others, and admitted that he suspected it was a one-way street and that talking at length with me he’s found repeated clues that I’m lonely. I felt very exposed when he said that. I wanted to cry and hide, but I was just too happy to have someone observe me for once. I didn’t think people cared enough about me to really pay attention.
RM, like all my other friends, is pretty self-absorbed and has enough problems of his own that I’m not entirely comfortable telling him mine. He does, however, have one trait that makes him scores better than the others – he cares AND he asks after me. I don’t always tell him what’s going on because I’m not always comfortable expressing myself to others. I assume, like always, no one gives a shit. But he does. And I need to learn that and use it. Thankfully, when I want to talk to someone he’s at the top of my short list. He also lets me know how much my friendship means to him, and he lets me know a LOT. I only see it getting better as I learn that it’s okay to let people know what’s going on upstairs.
So back to the question: does my code of ethics make me happy? Sure. The only time it doesn't is when I remember that I'm on a one-way street. And I do my best to ignore street signs.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Can't Do a Goddamned Thing Right
Oh boy.
I was talking with Jailbait, telling him how "we win" because when I bring a younger friend [him] to hang out with people, it's a hit and there is a pretty seamless transference of the younger friend into my larger, slightly old friend group. And I was telling him how much better he is than Ryan's new friend she brought around - an 18 year old guy who is more annoying and hyper than anyone I currently know.
Jailbait: So I'm not annoying?
Me: Right. You're leaps and bounds above this other guy. You win!
Jailbait: Well now I feel a little better.
A little better, you ask? What could possibly have been wrong, you ask? Well... turns out he broke up with his annoyingly self-centered, bossy girlfriend. Apparently he finally saw what I saw from the start: she takes advantage of him and doesn't appreciate that he's such a good guy.
Which leads me to something I talked to RM about: Can you be a bad person, as in bad at being a person, because you never look out for your own interests?
Okay, that's confusing. So here's the gist: I really like Jailbait because he's fun and outgoing and just a great guy. I can be myself with him which I haven't been able to do much in the last five years. I wish he was just two years older so I wouldn't feel weird liking him. He is suddenly single and in a great deal pain over it. And somehow I'm NOT taking advantage of the situation. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I hate myself. All I can think about when I talk to him is just "my friend is hurting and I need to do what I can to help that hurt end." I would love to be able to insert things about how I would never take a guy for granted, and how much of a good girlfriend I can be. Something sly, but not so sly he doesn't get the message.
But I cannot do it. I'm not capable of being that selfish. I talk to him and I WISH I was selfish, and I wish I could take advantage of his weakened state for my own objectives. And what do I actually do? PROTECT HIM FROM ME!
I want to live life without regrets. But I think I'd rather live regretting never saying anything than live with regrets of acting against my code of conduct. Perhaps the strongest part of me is my self-imposed ethics handbook. I'm like a goddamned white knight. I'm not willing to toss it aside lightly, no matter what I may gain. Without it I'm just... not me.
I hate caring so much about my friends that I'm always ignoring my own needs to help them with theirs. I wish just one of them would return the sentiment.
I was talking with Jailbait, telling him how "we win" because when I bring a younger friend [him] to hang out with people, it's a hit and there is a pretty seamless transference of the younger friend into my larger, slightly old friend group. And I was telling him how much better he is than Ryan's new friend she brought around - an 18 year old guy who is more annoying and hyper than anyone I currently know.
Jailbait: So I'm not annoying?
Me: Right. You're leaps and bounds above this other guy. You win!
Jailbait: Well now I feel a little better.
A little better, you ask? What could possibly have been wrong, you ask? Well... turns out he broke up with his annoyingly self-centered, bossy girlfriend. Apparently he finally saw what I saw from the start: she takes advantage of him and doesn't appreciate that he's such a good guy.
Which leads me to something I talked to RM about: Can you be a bad person, as in bad at being a person, because you never look out for your own interests?
Okay, that's confusing. So here's the gist: I really like Jailbait because he's fun and outgoing and just a great guy. I can be myself with him which I haven't been able to do much in the last five years. I wish he was just two years older so I wouldn't feel weird liking him. He is suddenly single and in a great deal pain over it. And somehow I'm NOT taking advantage of the situation. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
I hate myself. All I can think about when I talk to him is just "my friend is hurting and I need to do what I can to help that hurt end." I would love to be able to insert things about how I would never take a guy for granted, and how much of a good girlfriend I can be. Something sly, but not so sly he doesn't get the message.
But I cannot do it. I'm not capable of being that selfish. I talk to him and I WISH I was selfish, and I wish I could take advantage of his weakened state for my own objectives. And what do I actually do? PROTECT HIM FROM ME!
I want to live life without regrets. But I think I'd rather live regretting never saying anything than live with regrets of acting against my code of conduct. Perhaps the strongest part of me is my self-imposed ethics handbook. I'm like a goddamned white knight. I'm not willing to toss it aside lightly, no matter what I may gain. Without it I'm just... not me.
I hate caring so much about my friends that I'm always ignoring my own needs to help them with theirs. I wish just one of them would return the sentiment.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
NoooOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
After five years of keeping who I like and who I go out with (in romantic terms) a complete state secret, my brother blabbers to our mom that I like Jailbait. I tell him I like my 17 year old friend, and in less than 24 hours he very clearly lets my mother know.
This is horrible.
This is worse than actually LIKING the guy who is off limits.
Because now my mother will be watching me like a hawk when I'm with him. And no matter how good I am at NOT letting it on or acting out anything, SHE will read into what is so blatantly platonic and then accuse me of poor conduct, bad judgment, etc.
Ugh.
I don't know what to do.
This is horrible.
This is worse than actually LIKING the guy who is off limits.
Because now my mother will be watching me like a hawk when I'm with him. And no matter how good I am at NOT letting it on or acting out anything, SHE will read into what is so blatantly platonic and then accuse me of poor conduct, bad judgment, etc.
Ugh.
I don't know what to do.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Rocket to the Moon!
It's official.
I began working for the school system in February of last year as an intern piloting a new program. And now? While I'm not full-time, my projects have become so popular and are in such demand that we are, as of today's meeting, GOING STATEWIDE.
My work will be sold not to just one county in Virginia, but to all 114 counties in all five regions of the state. I really hope it all takes off like we anticipate.
The boss is buying a $5,000 kiosk/presentation station for an October conference, and however many conferences will follow. We're getting offset printing for the brochure I'm designing - with 1,200 prints to be initially made. The guys are updating and re-arranging the web site, designing something specifically easy to access my work. We're going to start accepting online orders with credit cards.
So... who else thinks these people need to hire me full-time?
<3
I began working for the school system in February of last year as an intern piloting a new program. And now? While I'm not full-time, my projects have become so popular and are in such demand that we are, as of today's meeting, GOING STATEWIDE.
My work will be sold not to just one county in Virginia, but to all 114 counties in all five regions of the state. I really hope it all takes off like we anticipate.
The boss is buying a $5,000 kiosk/presentation station for an October conference, and however many conferences will follow. We're getting offset printing for the brochure I'm designing - with 1,200 prints to be initially made. The guys are updating and re-arranging the web site, designing something specifically easy to access my work. We're going to start accepting online orders with credit cards.
So... who else thinks these people need to hire me full-time?
<3
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Create Your Own Album
Stolen from Jay:
1 - Go to Wikipedia (random)
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Random quotations:
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.
3 - Go to flickr's explore the last seven days"
Take a picture STRICTLY from the three in the top row - this will be your album cover.
Put it all together, that's your debut album.
Ladies, gentlemen, bloggers. I give you:
Over The Whole World, by Lutier
I like it enough that I'm using Lutier as my band name in Guitar Hero and Rock Band.
1 - Go to Wikipedia (random)
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Random quotations:
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.
3 - Go to flickr's explore the last seven days"
Take a picture STRICTLY from the three in the top row - this will be your album cover.
Put it all together, that's your debut album.
Ladies, gentlemen, bloggers. I give you:
Over The Whole World, by Lutier
I like it enough that I'm using Lutier as my band name in Guitar Hero and Rock Band.
Back in Town!
So after a long vacation from everything I am revived, back in the real world, and confronting some interesting things about myself. Most recently (and by that I mean within in the last 12 hours) I came to realize I actually am girly.
I am really, really looking forward to getting married. And to my horror and amusement I somehow already have vague plans for it in my head.
This was spurred on by a news article in my local paper, which outlined how maids of honor go into severe debt by fulfilling their "duties" to their bride-pals. All I could think was, "how could someone be so selfish about their own wedding?"
HAHAHAHAHAA! I know, right? Have I never heard of bridezillas or something?
The point is that while reading these jobs and expenses, I could easily rattle off how wrong they were and how I would do it differently. I plan to buy dresses for the bridal party. I mean, it's only fair. You're forcing them to wear something and that means you should foot the bill. Further to that point: it shouldn't be crazy expensive. Just find an all-round flattering dress that your friends can wear over and over. Choose a fun "little black dress" or something in a color they can all wear that cuts off just above the knee and shows off a little cleavage. Give those girls a break! And don't spend more than $150 per ensemble.
And what's with forcing maids of honor to pay for and organize pre-wedding parties? That's plainly rude. Your guests and friends shouldn't have to pay for your wedding! You should be happy enough that they want to show up and support you! I was always under the belief that maids of honor simply hosted a fun night in at a friend's house, or maybe a night on the town where everyone paid their own way but the planning was done by the MoH. I don't think I could make my best friend pay for anything more than hamburgers and hot dogs on a grill in someone's yard, some fantastic cheesey movies, and some ice cream. And if I had her do that, I'd request no gift, or something silly (like a squisk).
And making people take time off work and fly out and get a hotel is.. not great either. Now I know you can't put up all your guests, but I think if there's anyone in the bridal party who is financially screwed in that respect the bride and groom should damn well find some cheap flight the person could pay for. And pay for the bridal party's hotel rooms! Fuck, assuming they're friends to begin with they can double up.
I don't think that crazy amounts of money should be spent on 8,000 tiny and insignificant details in a wedding. Cut your absurd floral budget and help out your friends! My primary expenses would be: making sure my best friends can attend without taking out a loan just for attire and travel, getting an awesome band, and having good food.
As long as it's the best party ever, nothing else matters.
I am really, really looking forward to getting married. And to my horror and amusement I somehow already have vague plans for it in my head.
This was spurred on by a news article in my local paper, which outlined how maids of honor go into severe debt by fulfilling their "duties" to their bride-pals. All I could think was, "how could someone be so selfish about their own wedding?"
HAHAHAHAHAA! I know, right? Have I never heard of bridezillas or something?
The point is that while reading these jobs and expenses, I could easily rattle off how wrong they were and how I would do it differently. I plan to buy dresses for the bridal party. I mean, it's only fair. You're forcing them to wear something and that means you should foot the bill. Further to that point: it shouldn't be crazy expensive. Just find an all-round flattering dress that your friends can wear over and over. Choose a fun "little black dress" or something in a color they can all wear that cuts off just above the knee and shows off a little cleavage. Give those girls a break! And don't spend more than $150 per ensemble.
And what's with forcing maids of honor to pay for and organize pre-wedding parties? That's plainly rude. Your guests and friends shouldn't have to pay for your wedding! You should be happy enough that they want to show up and support you! I was always under the belief that maids of honor simply hosted a fun night in at a friend's house, or maybe a night on the town where everyone paid their own way but the planning was done by the MoH. I don't think I could make my best friend pay for anything more than hamburgers and hot dogs on a grill in someone's yard, some fantastic cheesey movies, and some ice cream. And if I had her do that, I'd request no gift, or something silly (like a squisk).
And making people take time off work and fly out and get a hotel is.. not great either. Now I know you can't put up all your guests, but I think if there's anyone in the bridal party who is financially screwed in that respect the bride and groom should damn well find some cheap flight the person could pay for. And pay for the bridal party's hotel rooms! Fuck, assuming they're friends to begin with they can double up.
I don't think that crazy amounts of money should be spent on 8,000 tiny and insignificant details in a wedding. Cut your absurd floral budget and help out your friends! My primary expenses would be: making sure my best friends can attend without taking out a loan just for attire and travel, getting an awesome band, and having good food.
As long as it's the best party ever, nothing else matters.
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