Huh.

So I guess Lord Sauron is watching everyone after all?

My new car is now complete

Oh yes. Hell yes!

Take a look at my pretty, pretty car's new plates.



I am a NERD and I am PROUD of it all!

Secret Sundays

=)

I LOVE AUSTRALIA!

<3 <3 <3

I LOVE AUSTRALIANS!

<3 <3 <3

I LOVE AUSTRALIAN PINK FLOYD!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


What a wonderful show. So, so good. They played The Wall from start to finish, and they Encored with:

On The Run
The Great Gig In The Sky holy fuck wow
Any Colour you Like
Wish You Were Here the unofficial Pink Floyd audience sing along, no matter what band is covering it
Brain Damage
Eclipse



AND Teddy came from Boston for the weekend! He is delightful!

Busy Busy Busy

So I've been destroyed by work and school. And that's okay. But I realized something last night:

Very few of my friends share with me one of the most important parts of who I am: I am an adventurer at heart. I love to travel, to learn, and experience new places and people and cultures and food and life.

But many of the people I am closest to don't have the same love affair with the world that I do. For example, the last guy I was in love with would be fully content to live the rest of his life out on the Oregon Coast, never leaving his home state. My best friend considers drinking and smoking hookah and going to the beach to be extreme fun and adventure.

But I want more.

There is a discontent within me. I can't just stay in one place for years on end and be happy. I don't feel a rush from drinking with friends in someone's basement. I want to drink with friends at an outdoor cafe in a foreign city. I want to skydive and fly across oceans and photograph the world. I can't be someone in a dead-end job with a life in a bubble.

And this made me realize some things. First off, I need new friends. It's a terrible thing to say about the people I love, but they hold me back. Just as I know Ryan wishes she could be out drinking when she's with me, I'm wishing I was dragging her through Shanghai.

But I am too responsible. And I forget about my needs, and I diligently care for others and I constantly consider consequences and the future. And I need to let go of my fear of screwing up everything I worked for and just GO FOR IT.

Once I figure out what it is.

My friends are unafraid because their ambitions lead them to the same old places. And I'm terrified because my ambitions have me trekking across the world alone.

I'm really scared to be alone. But being by myself wandering the streets of St. Petersburg can't possibly be more lonely than my life right now.

The Office

JIM PROPOSED TO PAM!!

I am so, so happy.

My god, I'm pathetic.

I wish I had something to write about.

My excuse is that I'm busy with two jobs and my last college class.

In reality, I'm sad because I'm lonely, and I don't write when sad.

HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

From CNN's Chris Welch and Rebecca Sinderbrand
(CNN) – McCain senior domestic policy adviser Douglas Holtz-Eakin said Tuesday the BlackBerry mobile e-mail device was a “miracle that John McCain helped create.”

Addressing the nation’s economic crisis, Holtz-Eakin told reporters traveling with the campaign “there’s no magic solution. And I don’t think that it’s at this moment imperative to write down exactly what the plan has to be.” He also said a president isn’t someone who needs to be heavily involved in policy specifics, which should be handled by “quality” advisers, and echoed McCain’s assessment that there might be a need for a “9/11-style commission” to determine what went wrong with the nation's economy, and to issue recommendations.

He added, though, that McCain — who has struggled to stress his economic credentials this cycle — did have experience dealing with the economy, pointing to his time on the Senate Commerce Committee. Pressed to provide an example of what McCain had accomplished on that committee, Holtz-Eakin said the senator did not have jurisdiction over financial markets — then held up his Blackberry, telling reporters: “He did this.”


“Telecommunications of the United States, the premiere innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce Committee. So you’re looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create,” said Holtz-Eakin. “And that’s what he did. He both regulated and de-regulated the industry.”

During the 2000 presidential campaign, Al Gore drew controversy when he said that during his time in Congress, he “took the initiative in creating the Internet” – based on his work promoting funding and early research in that area.

UPDATE: The Obama campaign responded to the comments minutes after they were reported. “If John McCain hadn’t said that ‘the fundamentals of our economy are strong’ on the day of one of our nation’s worst financial crises, the claim that he invented the BlackBerry would have been the most preposterous thing said all week,” said Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton.

Meanwhile, McCain senior aide Matt McDonald said that the senator "laughed" when he heard the comment.

"He would not claim to be the inventor of anything, much less the BlackBerry. This was obviously a boneheaded joke by a staffer," McDonald said.

The Happiest Days of our Lives

Dear Universe: THANK YOU!

And THANK YOU, AUSTRALIA, for being kickass!

And specifically thanks to the Australian Pink Floyd Show for coming to DC on October 12th to rock my universe. This is huge for me. I've loved Pink Floyd, particularly the album "The Wall" since I was ten years old and my cousin, Arshia, played it in my basement. I always figured I'd never see it live, and that was okay with me.

And now? The Australian Pink Floyd Show is playing The Wall, in its entire length, at the Warner Theater. Musically this is the equivalent of the reissue of Star Wars into theaters in 1997. And to top it off, a friend of mine whom I've spoken to for YEARS and never met is going to do his best to get to DC from Boston to go see the show with me!

Sincerely, the happiest girl around,
Raine



Aussie Floyd in Caracas, Venezuela:

Dear People....

Please stop praising Govenor Palin when you're intelligent enough NOT to waste your breath or energy on someone so horrible. And yes, I'm specifically targeting you, RM.

Govenor Palin is a book-burning extremist. I don't care if she's physically attractive to you, she's evil. As Mayor of Wasilla, she asked the library how she could ban books with "offensive content" and threatened to fire the librarian if she didn't give her full support. She also claims that Iraq is a "task from god" and that the US needs to carry out "god's plan."

So stop throwing support, even in jest, to this maniac. Because it's making me like YOU less. And you know I adore you.

To leave you on an interesting/funny/scary note:



And yes, that ad is real. You can check it out on their official web site.

=D

Best weekend ever!

La lala la la la la...

Channel Surfing

I was browsing on the TV and I saw a title and came to a realization: I am going to be one of those horrible women who falls completely in love with her best male friend with whom there is endless flirtation in private and public, but nothing comes of it, and then one day she watches him get married, is forcibly involved in the wedding, and has everyone talk about her like she's that great girl he's loved all his life but just not in that way because there was something wrong with her that prevented them from being that wonderfully great couple other people envy.

Fuck.

Grrr

Today a boy named Peter Griffin ruined my morning.

I am shaking my fist at him.

I read the news today, oh boy...

Doesn't bode well for those of us who fly a lot. Maybe I'll stay grounded for another week or so...

Secret Sundays

Fun!

Tonight I learned how to play Kings, a drinking game that I'm far too good at, and which Ryan sucks at beyond words.

I'm not going to go over the rules, because you can google them, and we changed a few, anyway. The point is that the best player doesn't drink much. And I was the best. Ryan couldn't even rhyme!

YEs.

ByE!

Music!

I saw Eve6 play at the State Theater tonight. I remembered them from the 90s, and I knew I had one of their songs on my computer. I just didn't know what song. And I didn't know any other songs.

So I googled them - after I got the ticket to go with a friend. And... Surprise! I liked them, but didn't know they did the songs I liked.

It was the most packed I've ever seen the State Theater, but it was well worth the cover charge!

Secret Sundays

NEW WEEK, NEW START

So the last week has been pretty much a whirlwind. The craziest part was coming to the realization that I am now well-adjusted. It's... weird.

First there was the news about Carson. Then (immediately) there was news that another friend of mine took a pretty lethal combination of medications, even after I expressly pleaded something along the lines of "YOU ARE AN IDIOT, DO NOT DO THAT!!" He was in no way attempting to hurt himself - I knew this. But he IS an amazingly stupid smart person. You know what I mean?

So that fucked me over for a few hours, bringing back memories of the first time Carson told me he took a bottle of pills and tried to kill himself. Then I was just ANGRY at my friend for being so, so stupid. I honestly did not know people could be that dumb. And then? I was okay.

Why the fuck was I okay???

In the past I'd be dwelling over things and driving myself nuts. This time, with both events, I simply got upset for an hour or two, rationalized every aspect of the situation, divided it into small compartments, and stored them in the little saftey deposit boxes in my mind.

It's strange, to be so... well adjusted.

I also told Jailbait that I have a thing for him. I just didn't do it like you'd think I would. We've maintained status quo, and basically all I got out of him was "I never really considered it [that you'd fancy me]." I'll keep his countdown up, just for a little while. Besides, nothing says if I've got no one else in my life, I can't ask him out when he's legal =P

Secret Sundays

Secret Sundays

A little late this week. I had things on my mind.

Letters in Email

I was trying to remember the last time I saw Carson. It was 2005, and he spent the summer and fall taking classes in my school while he was on temporary leave from the Ivy League school he usually attended. He met up in the computer labs, took some drives, and talked a lot. Overall there was a good vibe. He gave me his email, but I lost it the same day because the paper with it fell out of my wallet. My last email to him (and first after our meetup) was sent January 31, 2006.

Wanting to be in touch, I went to his school's web site and searched for his name. I forgot to click "people" and instead ended up searching the whole site. I got a headline that read "[his first name and last name] dies." I thought, "oh no... he's done it!" and I clicked into the article. It was about a guy with the same name who graduated in 1957, and had died unexpectedly and recently. I quickly wrote an email to Carson telling him how happy I was the HE was okay. The last thing I ever wrote to him was, "I am so happy you're alive!"

He never wrote me back.

Now when you search for his name on the college web site, you can find two articles: the death of my friend, and the death of a man with the same name from years before.

Letters in Yearbooks

Forward: I posted this yesterday with all real names and places, but found that google picked it up with a smile name/terms search. I can't have certain people finding this blog, so as important as it is for my friend to be named, I cannot name him. His real name is also the name of a city, so I chose another city name to use here. Because of this, he remains as anonymous in death as he thought he was in life.



I found out today that a good friend of mine from adolescence, Carson, committed suicide. According to an article in his college newspaper, he killed himself September 18th, last year. The article said he "died unexpectedly in his home," but I know he killed himself. His friends all know. None of his good friends were formally or informally informed of his death. The people he'd known for two years while attending college were told by the school, and were able to hold their own memorial. But the people he grew up with found out by chance, through googling his name and some key words.

Carson was one of the best friends I had in High School, though few people knew. At first I met him through a boy I knew, and I wasn't keen on him. Carson was the very definition of pretentious, but once you got to know him there was an undeniably sweet and loyal side to him that made you want to be his friend. We were in several classes together, and often sat with each other and talked between classes and after school. For a time we messaged online every day, and then we'd email back and forth. Even when things soured with the friend who introduced us, Carson remained my loyal companion.

Socially awkward to a fault, it was difficult to spend time with him. He craved attention, especially female attention, and dreamed often of a pretty girl with long brown hair who was smart and who could love him as he was. At times he made strained and bizarre passes at me, but I never knew how to react and he was too scared to follow through. There were times when I distinctly loved him. And there were times, on and off, when I wanted to ask him out - but I was scared to do it and I was scared of what that would do to our friendship. He was there for me when I needed someone to talk to, and I was there for him. I think that's why I loved him. He was the first person I knew who didn't just take from me. I believe we liked each other, but at different times. I never told him that.

When he told me he was moving to Germany to finish high school he seemed lost and heartbroken. I left him a long, full page letter in his yearbook explaining how much he meant to me. I told him that I'd never have been able to get through my sophomore year without him. I told him that he was a crutch I could lean on, and that I'd always be one for him - even from so far away. I told him that distance would not diminish our friendship. I told him how strong he was, and how he could make it through anything. And I signed it, after a slight hesitation, with "Love, [name]." I left my phone number, my email, my screen name, and a final note promising we'd be in touch.

And we were.

While he was in Germany I emailed back and forth with him every few days. A few years later he became depressed, and stopped responding. I tried to write more, but I never got replies. Then one day he writes me back and says he got into one of the best schools in our state - which is also one of the best in the country. We remained in touch for a time, but again he dropped off. I tried email, but to no avail. Then he writes me again: he took a bottle of pills and tried to kill himself. Campus police found him and pumped his stomach. I was devastated. I sobbed, and I told him how happy I was he failed and reminded him again that he would always be my friend, no matter what. We talked a lot after that, and he thanked me for "being the best friend" he could "ever have." Looking back I think he must have been lying, or desperate for someone to say that to... because he'd disappear again and leave me worried and wondering what happened.

A few months later he was gone and I was searching all over the web trying to find a trace of him. Then a good friend of mine who I didn't think knew Carson very well told me he'd been calling her a lot. He'd gotten into an Ivy League school. Many people who knew him told me that he wouldn't talk to them anymore, quoting him as saying, "it's lonely at the top" before giving his friends the boot. I was angry. I was furious. I'd been there for him in such dark times and barely pulled him out, and he had the gall to ditch me. Not wanting to believe this, I called the main campus line and asked for his room number. He answered the phone, and only sort of kept up his end of the conversation. He told me he was busy. At the Ivy League there were so many things to do...

I didn't believe him. I thought he was lonely. I kept calling him, but after a while he stopped answering. I tried email, but he ignored my letters. I tried snail mail, again ignored. I was heartbroken. My letter to Carson, which he once told me he read over and over, was the first genuine note I'd ever left in a yearbook. When I wrote it, I didn't doubt it was sincere and true. But ignoring me was hurting me too much. And at that point I knew and declared that Carson would probably kill himself one day and I'd never know - and that, to me, was scary.

I was wrong.

Not knowing is so much better.

A few months ago I mentioned Carson to some friends of mine. I told them, purposely holding back emotion, that Carson was probably dead now, or working on a Ph.D. -- I had no idea I was right. I'm profoundly sad that I was right.

A friend of mine, the one Carson called so much his first year at the Ivy League, left me a voicemail telling me that she got a message on Facebook with a link to an article saying Carson died. He'd killed himself. Last. Fucking. Year. And no one knew. I really liked believing that he might be out there somewhere. I always had this small hope he'd made it in the world, and now I don't know what to do... now that the hope is gone.

=(

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

The Physicist emailed. But I wasn't even happy because

I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him
I miss him

Tired of so much

I know I should post about my excellent weekend, but I'm tired and preoccupied. Thanks to RM and Erd I have been stuck with Jailbait in my head for days. RM has stopped calling him "pretty boy" and now refers to him as my "boyfriend." Erd couldn't remember which guy at the party was Jailbait until I showed him a photo, and he said, "oh! The sexy fellow!"

My life is ruined. Thanks, guys.

I miss him - Jailbait. He's gone with his family for six days to Cancun, and yesterday was the first day he was gone, thus entirely logged offline. It made me very sad not to see his name in a chat window or online in a buddy list.

While my current depression is not RM's fault, nor is it Erd's, I'm still a bit peeved at them for making it so much worse than it needs to be.

In the meantime the Physicist has not gotten in touch, and if Wednesday comes and he hasn't called or written, I will write him off.... and figure out a good way to let Jailbait in on my crush.

Secret Sundays

Visitors!

So RM is in town visiting, and it's pretty cool. For the second time, we got our Airports mixed and I had to drive a LOT further than expected, but that's okay. It's not like it makes hanging out with him any less fun.

But I AM kind of annoyed with him, and here's why: He met Jailbait, and he called Jailbait a "pretty-boy." Now, I don't deny it - RM is right: He's too cute to be a geek. But damnit, I never thought of him as a pretty-boy, and now I'm stuck with it in my head. It won't stop! I've been thinking about him ALL NIGHT. I'm so, so pissed. Not at RM, but at this age difference. Couldn't he at least be a freshman in college so he wouldn't feel so much like... a kid!?

I need to spell it out for this guy that I dig him, but like I already told RM, I'm going to hold off on it just a little while longer. I've been emailing a Physicist whom I met through my silly "Femnerd Seeks Arch-Nemesis" ad on craigslist. We've exchanged phone numbers, and he wants to meet up. I think I should meet him before I spill the beans with Jailbait. I mean - this guy's older and in more of the same stage in life as I am. Jailbait would be fun, but complicated. After all, he lives with his parents, and will be in high school for another year.

So yeah. If the Physicist is interesting, I may as well try him out.

Also: I'm trying out actually adding relevant links to items mentioned in my post. Good? Bad?

Gooooooooooooooooals!

Ripped off from a friend.... and in no particular order…

SHORT-TERM GOALS (0-5 YEARS)

-Take stunt-driving lessons
-Become trilingual (fill in Spanish gaps, fluent in farsi)
-Road trip to anywhere
-Travel abroad
-Step on a cake in my bare feet
-Go to the Airport and say, "One Ticket, Anywhere X Dollars will Take Me"
-Get Arrested at a Political Rally
-Build an investment portfolio
-Lose the weight
-Find a career

MEDIUM-TERM GOALS (5-10 YEARS)

-Attend a World Cup (especially final game)
-Experience being the "it" girl in some respect
-See the rest of the 7 wonders of the ancient world
-Travel to the rest of the seven continents

LONG-TERM GOALS (10+ YEARS)

-Pay off house
-Go to outer space/moon
-Draw an animated short
-Make an independent film
-Buy a yacht and do a sailing trip
-Invent something awesome
-Perform on stage in a play and/or musical

Secret Sundays

AAAAARRGGH!

My dad was surprisingly not horrible. He gave me half the money he usually does on holidays (which is still a lot... he "buys" love from his children) and only said one or two bad things about me in passing.

My best friend never said anything about my birthday. I sent her a message today, asking, "Between seeing me Sunday night and texting me yesterday, what's your excuse for not acknowledging my birthday?" Five hours later I still have no reply.

All in all things were good. I just wish I could have READ MY BOOK. My cousins made sure that wouldn't happen when they crashed my house and cooked me dinner. It was nice of them, but... I wanted ME time!

AS FOR WORK,

I started 20 hours a week for my father and 20 hours at my real job. It took an hour in traffic to get to my dad's office this morning, and so much work was piled on me that I got to my real job 30 minutes late. My dad even wanted me to stay for lunch! HAH!

New rule: I accept NO work handed to me after 12:30pm, so I can finish up and bolt out of there by 1:00. As it stands I've had nothing to eat all day and I'm ready to snap the head off of anyone who dares to ask anything of me. Oh yeah, and my music teacher called yesterday to reschedule Wednesday's lesson - so I get to rush out of my real job at 5:30 to be at my lesson at 6:00.

This all means I'll get home between 7:30 and 8:00, which, by my new "don't eat past 7pm" rule, means I've just fasted for a day.

Dune: I hate you. Just for today. You've forced me to be... less cold-hearted, and that means instead of completely avoiding my father today I'm going to call him and see if he'll go out to lunch with me.

With memories of his tirades about how stupid, lazy, fat, pathetic, and undesirable (etc) I am still raw, I'm hoping this doesn't turn into my 20th birthday. He yelled at me for an hour that morning, telling me every "flaw" he saw in me and how no man in his right mind could ever love someone like me, ending with "and happy birthday."

If this time repeats like before...

I can't even express what's going on in my head. I don't know myself.

Grr

I spent this morning text messaging my best friend about plans to see Batman on Friday and feedback on the friends she introduced me to last night. It was a pleasant enough conversation, but I thought she sent me a text at 10:00 in the morning to wish me a happy birthday. Last night she didn't mention it, and refused to hang out earlier than the movie we saw, or later than the movie.

I feel cheated, and if she doesn't wish me a goddamned happy birthday today I'm not making her another crazy cake for hers this year. She knows I'm not big on receiving presents, and she knows the only thing I want from the people close to me is for them to remember my birthday and say "happy birthday" at some point.

If things don't change by sundown, I'm going to kick her ass. Quite literally.

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me.

Secret Sundays

Hmm..

One of my dearest, best male friends told me he made a list of all the things he was ideally looking for in a girl, and wished he could one day find. He wanted to send it to me, asking what I think. Would this girl even exist? Here's his list:

ABSOLUTELY MUST:
...be willing to put pride aside in lieu of having fun, even if that means making a complete ass of herself
...be honest
... have cute mannerisms and random quirks (nervous ticks, fear of iguanas, obsessive need to sit on her feet even while in a chair, etc.)
...have a normal weight BMI (neither significantly over or underweight, and since the BMI scale is really broad and inspecific, that seems reasonable)
...not enjoy rap (a few novelty songs are forgiveable, but if she owns a rap CD and listens to it with any regularity, she's out)
...want kids
...be born before 9-20-90
...want to live in the city
...under 5'9"
...not be defensive by nature
...and not have cosmetic surgery (reconstructive is excluded in this statement)

IDEAL GIRL HAS SOME OF THESE:
...is a brunette
...loves star wars and\or dune
...is between 4'10" and 5'5"
...is cute in appearance (as opposed to sexy, beautiful, or pretty)
...not have blue eyes (unless they are heterochromatic)
...plays video games (sports and rhythm games not included)
...loves House and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
...wants 3-4 kids
...be born after 9-20-85
...Is politically outspoken and not partisan
...is mature enough to hold a conversation about the relative value of religion in an information-centered society but immature enough to laugh at a particularly rank fart


Considering my own history and the current times, I got very defensive over the age thing. In fact, I was downright angry one of his ideals was being older than the girl. Eventually I was placated enough by his insistence that having even three other "ideal" qualities overrides age... but... grr!

Also, I told him a few things about Dune and he flipped and begged me for her phone number, which I would never give... even if I had it. And he's still begging. Dune, he may not be a guy who fits YOUR ideals, but you at least have one fan in the US who would HARASS ME UNTIL I DIE for a chance to speak to you.

Seeking Arch-Nemesis

Having given up on conventional means of making friends and meeting people, I posted an ad on Craigslist based on a dare from RM. This was a little over a month ago, and from this very simple "Are there any antisocial nerds out there?" ad, I made one good friend.

Taking this idea again, I posted a personal ad on CL that was both a joke, and very serious. It was as follows:

"Femnerd seeks Arch-Nemesis man."

Politically charged, abrasive intellectual female looking for male counterpart to verbally spar with, offend, and probably insult in kind - because all is fair in war.

Ideal candidate enjoys debates, current events, and activities such as a trip to the Newseum, rally on the National Mall, or cinema - mostly intelligent, often off the beaten path, sometimes foreign.

I didn't think that I would get an real replies, but to my surprise EVERY reply I got was serious. All 25 of them, many from guys between 26 and 30 years of age who were tired of "normal" girls and wanted something different - specifically someone like me. They claimed to want intelligent conversation and cultural awareness. These guys, for the most part, were real catches. Good looking professionals with bright looking futures. Lawyers, Scientists, Businessmen.... all wanting someone with personality and intelligence, several saying that looks weren't as important as outlook.

I'm... confounded.

I'm also now emailing a Physicist who is.. nice. He hasn't sent a photo, hasn't asked for one. He just wants to talk. It's refreshing.

EXHAUSTED

So RM told me the other day "why don't you write a post?" And I am:

I know my friends take advantage of my kindness. I know that even the best intentioned friends, the ones who appreciate me a LOT will sometimes just use me. But it sucks. A LOT.

Here's what happend: RM got a reply from a CEO telling him his cover letter for a job application sucked, and gave him tips on how to improve it. He sent it to me, and I freaked out, agreeing with the CEO and offering to help. I turned that bastard of a letter into something good, and he knows it and thanked me for it. His resume, for some reason, was another story. He really, really needed it cleaned out and re-worded. And I did that for him. And he was really happy. BUT YOU ARE A STUBBORN JERK, RM! I sign online and tell you I want to get down to the LAST part of the resume, the objective, and you DO NOT REPLY to me. You DO, but then you drift off. Meanwhile it's getting late. I'm nodding off. I TELL YOU I NEED TO BE IN DC TOMORROW MORNING AT 7AM and yet somehow you STILL want me to stay. FINE. I do. BUT YOU IGNORE ME!! So I go to sign off and say goodbye, AND YOU WANT ME TO STAY.

You're a moron. I love you, you're smart, you're awesome, and in this ONE respect, you're a total moron. It's... it's like the twilight zone. You're a shiny fantastic person until you step into resume/cover letter territory... then you're not YOU anymore, and I start to slowly want to kill you.

Texting my phone when I log off - not cool. Granted, my "LEAVE ME ALONE!!' reply was sent later - I only saw the message, not the time, and thought you'd sent it after I told you it was imperative I go to bed. That's my fault.

But you're driving me crazy. If you want my advice, do as I say. If you don't (Mr Chuck Norris), then don't and let me be.

THAT BEING SAID

I have a lot I wanted to write on the subject of boys, and work. But I'm too tired.

I have a sleep study tonight. Maybe they'll find out why I want to nap so, so much. And why I fall asleep behind the wheel.

Secret Sundays

Independence Day

It takes a day like the 4th of July to remind me that I have no family. I went out to the supermarket to get some berries that were on sale and I saw huge crowds of families out buying last minute items for their cookouts and celebrations today.

It takes a holiday to remind me that I have no traditions and no one to celebrate them with or even start new ones with.

I'm not sad. It's just humbling. It's not like I grew up without celebrating these days - it's just that the people who made the holidays special are all dead now. It's obvious that all of this simply means I need to start new traditions, but how do you do that? You can't make the people you know abandon their long-standing traditions to join a new one with you. And you can't really invite yourself to tag along with them. Though it may not be the kindest thing to say, I don't want to start a tradition of community service on holidays. That would be shooting myself in the foot every year from now until eternity.

I don't often feel like I need to rush my life along, but on days like this I think about how nice it would be to have a family of my own to share the day with. I want so much to have people to cook for and entertain. Hell, even a family of in-laws, or just a boyfriend with a family I can join for a while. But it'll all come in good time. And for now I can take what I've got and be happy. After all, I have a roof over my head, friends who care about me (whether or not they'll spend a holiday with me), a job, a car, and (relatively?) good health. It would be greedy to ask for more.

I just wish I wasn't saving that great book for next weekend!

Bleh

With the exception of RM, my "real life" friends do not know of this blog. They don't know it exists, and they don't read it. I like it that way. So when Ryan tells me she was going to leave town next weekend to see her [skanky] boyfriend, BUT since nothing appears to be going on THIS weekend she might go sooner... I was... disappointed.

In other words, if we had any plans for 4th of July weekend, she'd have left town the following weekend. Even though it's my birthday weekend.

She doesn't know about this blog. And I never told her I didn't want to do anything - I just told her I didn't feel like having the big go-kart party. I'm kind of sad now. Was even my best friend simply lured by go-karts? Without them is my birthday of no importance to her?

It doesn't matter. I have enough problems to deal with this afternoon when I tell my father that I'm quitting working for him if he continues to be horrifically unreasonable as an employer.

So I'd like to know where
I got the notion
To rock the boat....

Secret Sundays?

Sad

So Ryan and Jailbait and I hung out last night. Red Beard joined later, but that's beside the point: Jailbait was alternately happy to be out with us and depressed about his breakup. I was making brownies in the kitchen, when he joined me for a second. He made an exasperated sound and said he was "depressed on and off." I said, "why?"

His head snapped up at me and he said, "you don't know?" I explained I did know, but I didn't know why he was still so upset. And then he said the thing that would make me feel really bad. He mumbled "it's your fault."

I couldn't believe my ears. I asked what it was that he said, and he said, "peer pressure." He then walked away. Later he came back, and I asked why he would say it's my fault, and he turned around again and on the way out of the kitchen said something about going into the tv room.

Total avoidance.

I know I told him that his girlfriend seemed to take advantage of him (very true), but I said it ONCE! Then I never mentioned it again. And when I told him, he said others had said the same thing. I don't understand how he could say it's my fault.

I don't want to cause my friends pain =(

Happiness is not a fish that you can catch

Jay: I'm interested though -- does your code of ethics make you happy?

That’s a tough one to answer as a whole. I like helping others, so my compulsive need to be there for people in whatever capacity they require is self serving to an extent. When I make a friend feel better, or when I provide an ear to listen to their problems or a shoulder for them to cry on, I feel good about myself. But it’s not that easy.

I do my damndest to support my friends because I don’t want any of them to feel like I do: entirely alone.

Why do I sculpt insanely crazy cakes for Ryan’s birthday every year? Sure, it’s fun to say I made a pirate ship cake, a severed arm cake that bled when you cut into it, and a Super Mario Bro. 1-up mushroom cake, but it takes FOREVER to do. And with all my wrist and hand and bone problems it's painful. My hands go numb, then they ache, and often they cramp and I need to stop and work in shifts. And sometimes it takes creative engineering. I freakin’ ENGINEER CAKES.

So why do I do it? Because my birthdays are always horrible. And when I realized she was going through the same thing, I couldn’t sit back and let it continue. I know what it’s like to hate your birthday so much that you hide the date and deny it’s here because maybe, MAYBE if no one remembers it can be a normal and uneventful day. And if no one remembers, maybe you won’t remember all the shitty years past.

Early on I decided that this year I’d do something so cool for my birthday that my friends couldn’t say "no" to and skip. But the closer it gets, the less excited I am. The less confidence I have in my friends. And when I realized that the main reason I wanted to go to a go-kart track was to trick my friends into spending my birthday with me... well, I decided it was too pathetic for my taste. Especially when Red Beard made an innocent joke that "at most six people will come." He’s right. So why bother?

I’ve made a resolution to do nothing for my birthday this year. I don’t even want to spend a night in with Ryan watching movies, drinking, and chatting like best friends tend to do. I just want to be alone. Seeing my friends will just shove it further in my face about how little they’d do for me. It’s funny – I know Red Beard would run into the street and push me out of the way if a car was going to hit me. But I also know that in any other scenario he wouldn’t DO anything to show he’s a caring friend. And that holds true for most people.

When I was eleven I threw a surprise birthday party for a good friend of mine. I remembered her mentioning once how great it must be having friends care enough about you to do that. So I waited long enough for her to forget she told me, and sprung it on her. I invited every friend we had, and a dozen people showed to celebrate with her. She was amazingly happy. She still talks about it. And I’m still jealous.

Recently my friend, Goggles – a code junky who would rather write scripts on his computer than do anything else – told me that I was an amazing person. He said that since he befriended me he’s been stepping out of his shell and rediscovering himself. I’ve been encouraging him to go out, to talk to people, and to live life outside of coding. He told me he’s been more confident, and that he’s even talked to a stranger or two while waiting in lines at different stores.

Goggles accused me of being a person who draws the best out of others, and admitted that he suspected it was a one-way street and that talking at length with me he’s found repeated clues that I’m lonely. I felt very exposed when he said that. I wanted to cry and hide, but I was just too happy to have someone observe me for once. I didn’t think people cared enough about me to really pay attention.

RM, like all my other friends, is pretty self-absorbed and has enough problems of his own that I’m not entirely comfortable telling him mine. He does, however, have one trait that makes him scores better than the others – he cares AND he asks after me. I don’t always tell him what’s going on because I’m not always comfortable expressing myself to others. I assume, like always, no one gives a shit. But he does. And I need to learn that and use it. Thankfully, when I want to talk to someone he’s at the top of my short list. He also lets me know how much my friendship means to him, and he lets me know a LOT. I only see it getting better as I learn that it’s okay to let people know what’s going on upstairs.

So back to the question: does my code of ethics make me happy? Sure. The only time it doesn't is when I remember that I'm on a one-way street. And I do my best to ignore street signs.

Can't Do a Goddamned Thing Right

Oh boy.

I was talking with Jailbait, telling him how "we win" because when I bring a younger friend [him] to hang out with people, it's a hit and there is a pretty seamless transference of the younger friend into my larger, slightly old friend group. And I was telling him how much better he is than Ryan's new friend she brought around - an 18 year old guy who is more annoying and hyper than anyone I currently know.

Jailbait: So I'm not annoying?

Me: Right. You're leaps and bounds above this other guy. You win!

Jailbait: Well now I feel a little better.

A little better, you ask? What could possibly have been wrong, you ask? Well... turns out he broke up with his annoyingly self-centered, bossy girlfriend. Apparently he finally saw what I saw from the start: she takes advantage of him and doesn't appreciate that he's such a good guy.

Which leads me to something I talked to RM about: Can you be a bad person, as in bad at being a person, because you never look out for your own interests?

Okay, that's confusing. So here's the gist: I really like Jailbait because he's fun and outgoing and just a great guy. I can be myself with him which I haven't been able to do much in the last five years. I wish he was just two years older so I wouldn't feel weird liking him. He is suddenly single and in a great deal pain over it. And somehow I'm NOT taking advantage of the situation. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I hate myself. All I can think about when I talk to him is just "my friend is hurting and I need to do what I can to help that hurt end." I would love to be able to insert things about how I would never take a guy for granted, and how much of a good girlfriend I can be. Something sly, but not so sly he doesn't get the message.

But I cannot do it. I'm not capable of being that selfish. I talk to him and I WISH I was selfish, and I wish I could take advantage of his weakened state for my own objectives. And what do I actually do? PROTECT HIM FROM ME!

I want to live life without regrets. But I think I'd rather live regretting never saying anything than live with regrets of acting against my code of conduct. Perhaps the strongest part of me is my self-imposed ethics handbook. I'm like a goddamned white knight. I'm not willing to toss it aside lightly, no matter what I may gain. Without it I'm just... not me.

I hate caring so much about my friends that I'm always ignoring my own needs to help them with theirs. I wish just one of them would return the sentiment.

=(

So, so sad. The world is far less funny now.

Secret Sundays

NoooOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

After five years of keeping who I like and who I go out with (in romantic terms) a complete state secret, my brother blabbers to our mom that I like Jailbait. I tell him I like my 17 year old friend, and in less than 24 hours he very clearly lets my mother know.

This is horrible.

This is worse than actually LIKING the guy who is off limits.

Because now my mother will be watching me like a hawk when I'm with him. And no matter how good I am at NOT letting it on or acting out anything, SHE will read into what is so blatantly platonic and then accuse me of poor conduct, bad judgment, etc.

Ugh.

I don't know what to do.

Rocket to the Moon!

It's official.

I began working for the school system in February of last year as an intern piloting a new program. And now? While I'm not full-time, my projects have become so popular and are in such demand that we are, as of today's meeting, GOING STATEWIDE.

My work will be sold not to just one county in Virginia, but to all 114 counties in all five regions of the state. I really hope it all takes off like we anticipate.

The boss is buying a $5,000 kiosk/presentation station for an October conference, and however many conferences will follow. We're getting offset printing for the brochure I'm designing - with 1,200 prints to be initially made. The guys are updating and re-arranging the web site, designing something specifically easy to access my work. We're going to start accepting online orders with credit cards.


So... who else thinks these people need to hire me full-time?
<3

Create Your Own Album

Stolen from Jay:

1 - Go to Wikipedia (random)
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations:
The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you'll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr's explore the last seven days"
Take a picture STRICTLY from the three in the top row - this will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that's your debut album.

Ladies, gentlemen, bloggers. I give you:



Over The Whole World, by Lutier
I like it enough that I'm using Lutier as my band name in Guitar Hero and Rock Band.

Back in Town!

So after a long vacation from everything I am revived, back in the real world, and confronting some interesting things about myself. Most recently (and by that I mean within in the last 12 hours) I came to realize I actually am girly.

I am really, really looking forward to getting married. And to my horror and amusement I somehow already have vague plans for it in my head.

This was spurred on by a news article in my local paper, which outlined how maids of honor go into severe debt by fulfilling their "duties" to their bride-pals. All I could think was, "how could someone be so selfish about their own wedding?"

HAHAHAHAHAA! I know, right? Have I never heard of bridezillas or something?

The point is that while reading these jobs and expenses, I could easily rattle off how wrong they were and how I would do it differently. I plan to buy dresses for the bridal party. I mean, it's only fair. You're forcing them to wear something and that means you should foot the bill. Further to that point: it shouldn't be crazy expensive. Just find an all-round flattering dress that your friends can wear over and over. Choose a fun "little black dress" or something in a color they can all wear that cuts off just above the knee and shows off a little cleavage. Give those girls a break! And don't spend more than $150 per ensemble.

And what's with forcing maids of honor to pay for and organize pre-wedding parties? That's plainly rude. Your guests and friends shouldn't have to pay for your wedding! You should be happy enough that they want to show up and support you! I was always under the belief that maids of honor simply hosted a fun night in at a friend's house, or maybe a night on the town where everyone paid their own way but the planning was done by the MoH. I don't think I could make my best friend pay for anything more than hamburgers and hot dogs on a grill in someone's yard, some fantastic cheesey movies, and some ice cream. And if I had her do that, I'd request no gift, or something silly (like a squisk).

And making people take time off work and fly out and get a hotel is.. not great either. Now I know you can't put up all your guests, but I think if there's anyone in the bridal party who is financially screwed in that respect the bride and groom should damn well find some cheap flight the person could pay for. And pay for the bridal party's hotel rooms! Fuck, assuming they're friends to begin with they can double up.

I don't think that crazy amounts of money should be spent on 8,000 tiny and insignificant details in a wedding. Cut your absurd floral budget and help out your friends! My primary expenses would be: making sure my best friends can attend without taking out a loan just for attire and travel, getting an awesome band, and having good food.

As long as it's the best party ever, nothing else matters.

Delayed Sunday

Sorry about that kids. It was raining so hard.. I was completely distracted.

As for "Thief," for those of you who don't know all things cool:

Secret Sundays

EARTHQUAKE!

SO I was sitting at my desk, innocently reading the news online when something odd happened. The building began to shake, and there was a loud rattling/vibrating sound. My hopes were raised that maybe, just maybe, I'd experienced an earthquake. It's on my list of things to do... eventually.

And SURE ENOUGH I can cross that sucker off the list, because today, at 2:30pmEST there was a 1.8 magnitude earthquake with its epicenter DIRECTLY UNDER MY OFFICE.

I am pleased.

I kind of wish it was stronger. Why not a 4.5? That would have been cool. Oh well. Better luck next time!

<3

Secret Sundays

Interesting turn of events...

So my 17-year old Jailbait is seriously considering dumping his girlfriend of over a year.

Hm.

I can't help but wonder a little about the timing. When I first met him, before we became friends, he was fully secure in their relationship and would brag to me about her. That was less than a month ago. Since then he and I have been steadily getting closer - he rolls his chair into my cubicle, sits close enough that I can feel warmth radiating from him, invites me over to game, play fights me, etc. I find his timing interesting, but I'm not going to worry about that.

If they break up, it'll be sad. No one likes to break up, and it won't be an easy or fun thing to do. Additionally, the girl tends to boss him around... a lot. And that (coupled with a few minor annoying habits I don't like, but that's a personal thing), is not something that's good or healthy. I don't like to see my friends taken advantage of, and I hope he figures out that there are a million girls who won't be constantly demanding.

All in all, he should do whatever will make him happier. I feel like I should help him figure out what that is (like I do with most of my friends). Maybe it's because I'm used to the role. Maybe it's because he reminds me of myself at his age, and I want to give him what little knowledge I've gained over the years so he'll have a jump-start on things.

Either way, if my friends are happy... I don't think I can have any complaints.




EXCEPT for Ryan. She's happy because she's an idiot who needs to validate her self-worth with male attention, and she don't give a damn WHO gives it to her. It's completely pretentious to say, but she doesn't know what's best for her - and clearly I know what's best.

STILL, you can't change people. They have to do it for themselves, if ever. So all I can do is sit back, watch her turn into someone I don't know or like, and hope he dumps and crushes her before she's gone for good.

Bleh.

Excellente!

I got my best friend a job that is near me and away from her boyfriend.

My dad left the country for 30 days.

Life is good.

=)

Secret Sundays

Sorry this one's going up late. My web connection died last night.

Why boys have problems with smart girls Pt. 2

Complaint: Guys SAY they want a smart girl, but I’m smart and I’m alone!

Yeah. That’s because you’re not afraid to let people know how smart you are. I do this all the time without realizing that people don’t appreciate being reminded I’m the smartest person in the room. Hell, I don’t even know when I do it! But when my friends bring it up, and when I really think about it, I’ve come to see it’s completely true.

Being smart is one thing. Accidentally coming off as a pretentious bitch is another. I think this is a pretty big problem for fantastic girls who have trouble with their weight. We don’t find ourselves physically attractive, and we’ve learned over the years to compensate for this by proving our other good qualities. But what do these qualities tend to be? Intelligence and wit.

While great attributes to have, they can be a deadly combination when presented in excess. Assuming no one wants to LOOK at you makes you develop a crutch, and you lean heavily on having a strong personality and flaunting what you consider your best and defining attributes. You figure you’ll win people over with your charm and awesomeness if you can’t do it with your sexiness…. But you forget that other people want to be the smartest and most interesting, too.

Most guys want to be alpha male without competing with a girl for the title. But what if you don’t want an average guy?

Even a smart guy won’t be likely to gravitate towards a girl who shoves her intellect in his face. He wants someone smart who can teach him new things and who can learn things from HIM. He doesn’t want someone who comes off as a know-it-all. And let’s face it – neither do you. Would you want to be with a guy who is constantly trying to show how fantastic he is? Probably not. The proof should be gradual and consistent, not in your face at all moments.

It’s a terrible feeling to know that the one thing you thought would land you a guy is one of the things that keeps them away. A lot of girls with image issues want a guy to “take it or leave it” and that doesn’t help either. Sometimes you just need to reel yourself in and keep your mouth shut until people know you more. A lot of people tell me they’d take offense in the things I say if they didn’t know me better – so learn your audience and wait for the right time to open the dam and let all of your personality out.

Why boys have problems with smart girls Pt. 1

Forward

For: Dune. I had the hardest time writing this, so I had to record myself talking in the car and then transcribe what I said. Each part will have a different complaint. If you have other complaints, I’ll explain it in a new part of my theory.

Why boys have problems with smart girls Pt. 1

Many girls have expressed to me that boys are simply uninterested in them. These girls seem to lean towards the idea that they are fat, ugly, and undesirable. I don’t agree, and here’s why:

Complaint: I’ve never been in a relationship, so no one wants me.

Wrong. The leading cause of a lack of relationships is not undesirability, but the projected image of unavailability. Let’s face it: people cannot read minds. And when you’re secure in who you are you tend to act less desperate than others. Even when you ARE desperate you just don’t come off as such. Mostly because desperation is not something you want to be feeling, and you try to cover it up.

This has been concluded by observing all of the truly ugly and undesirable girls out there who have found someone and are either in relationships or gone so far as to get married. I’ve seen many plain girls with translucent skin and terrible, dull hair in a bowl cut who are orca fat and wear sweat pants and XXL t-shirts and they have rings on their chubby fingers. Normally I wouldn’t be so mean… the girls are nice enough. But they’re also stupid. These aren’t smart and fantastic girls in a bad circumstance. These are honestly stupid, downright boring girls. Sweet, but not the kind of person you could have an interesting conversation with. And they’re MARRIED.

Interestingly enough, they all meet a girl like me and tell me they need to keep their husbands away from me – because he’ll fall in love with me in a second and leave her. I often wonder how these girls find the men they’re with. I wouldn’t care if the guy was a chubby Star Wars addict who plays D&D in his basement – I just want a guy to want me. So where are these guys?

I don’t know. They’re probably in a comic book shop or meeting in a hobby shop to game on weekends. But they’ll adore you and boost your self-esteem. And if that’s what you currently need, go find them! Forget hot and suave and look for kind and sincere. Those boys may surprise you – but you’re not likely to find them in a bar after hours… at least not in the States.

Secret Sundays

Reflections

It's been a year.

It was early morning and I was at the car dealership waiting for the guys there who never listen to me to yet again fuck up my car, when I looked up at the television and saw the news: there were reports of a shooting in Blacksburg.

I immediately picked up my cell phone and called my best friend to tell her. She went to school fifteen minutes from there, and I wanted her to know something was going down. I had a bad feeling, and I wanted her indoors. She had no idea until I told her...

And within half an hour reports were streaming in: shooting spree at Virginia Tech. Heavy casualties. Swat teams. FBI. Terror. I'd never been so frightened. Tech was my school of choice. Tech is like extended family. Twenty five percent of my high school graduating class went to Tech. And I couldn't get in touch with my friends.

Childhood friends there, on that campus, in the Engineering school. Were they even alive?

It took two days to hear from people. Bizarrely, twenty five percent of the victims were from my home town. So was the shooter. I would unwittingly join three funeral precessions in the next two weeks, simply while driving to work. I would see three roadside memorials near the homes of the dead as I ran errands. I'd find out one of the nicest kids I knew had witnessed two of his friends shot and killed at point blank range right next to him.

Strangely, it feels more like a lifetime since that day. A year seems too short. And I'm still angry. I'm angry that it all had to happen. And I'm patiently waiting for the day I'm out with friends, in another state, in a bar maybe... and I'm waiting for some crass jackass to say something horrible and insensitive and inhuman about the shooting... so I can punch him as hard as I possibly can and spit in his face and let go some of the ghosts of that day.

And I wonder... if I wasn't even there and I have such strong feelings, I can't even imagine what people directly involved feel.

So Sorry

Dear Dune,

I wanted to write a post for you. But I've been asleep for five days.

So when I really start to wake up, I'll write you a post about boys being stupid and girls like us having a future.

Really.

I was sleeping.

It was so, so weird.

You have no idea how weird it was.

-Raine

Secret Sundays

Things I Hate #62

Meat sauce. Why would anyone add meat to tomato sauce?!

I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy....

Just found out a boy I used to hang out with after school in high school died. He was friends with my ex, Colin, and also with my friend, Dex. We would play games in Dex's basement and chill out. I didn't know him well enough to call him a friend, nor did I know him well enough to recognize him on the street. But I remember him. I remember feeling like the responsible adult when we hung out, and I remember how I felt like those boys were my responsibility while we were together. After all, I was two years older than them, and I was always the person who thought of consequences and rationality.

Anyway, he was in a one car accident. His car flipped and he slammed into a pole and live electrical wires were all over the vehicle and it took an hour to shut off power before responders could get into the car and pronounce him dead. There is no idication that he was under the influence of anything, and they are speculating that he might have fallen asleep since it was 4:00 in the morning when it happened. They won't know for sure what killed him until they do an autopsy. I hope it was fast, but I don't know if there is such a thing as an instant death. One second can seem like an eternity...

It reminds me of my friend, Tim, from college. I got a call in October of 2005 from a stranger. He introduced himself and told me he found my number in Tim's phone, and he wanted to let me know that Tim had died four days earlier when a drunk driver slammed into his vehicle on the driver's door as he was driving home late from work, and that it all happened in an instant. Then he got choked up, and told me he was sorry and serivces were the following day in Trenton, and he gave me a time and place and hung up.

I'd barely registered his first sentence.

It was then that it struck me just how quickly things change and how fragile all of my friendships are. So many of the people I care about keep in touch from a long distance, and if that one guy didn't think to call every number listed in Tim's phone I'd never have known what happened to him. I didn't even know he had my number. We mostly kept in touch through email and instant messages.

Anyway, that's that. Dex gave me the news but Colin never said anything to me. I told Dex that if he ever needed me for anything I would always be there for him. He always knew that before, but I wanted to make it clear that the offer still stands. I'm a little sad Colin never told me, but it's understandable.

Hell, I didn't tell anyone about Tim for a month. Not even my parents or brother.

A Letter to a Friend

Dear Jay,

I have the overwhelming need to hop on a plane, track you down, give you a hug, and find words to make things just a bit better for you. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and this post gives me a little insight as to why.

You and I are on a somewhat parallel path, it seems. And right now we're going through similar thoughts and feelings and road blocks. And though I am also inclined to keep things to myself, I reluctantly recognize that being open with good friends, even only in a moderate amount, is rather liberating.

Just before I read your post I was having a conversation with my mother about discontent with my work and wondering if it was actually well suited for me. And though I am technically an artist, I constantly struggle with wondering if I've sold out or given up - because I'm not the kind of artist I am happy being, and I think to myself that I might be better if I would steer my work towards what I like and what makes me happy and gives me creative fuel. There is little creativity in my current job.

I think spending time with people who make you happy - especially doing new things together, is the easiest and best way to jump start a new direction. On the same day you and Dune went to Spain I had friends over... and they didn't leave my house until Saturday evening. It was a gathering unlike our usual, and in its new feeling it brought me a sense of personal rebirth. I now feel light and refreshed, and though I know all of my problems are the same, I know I have renewed energy to move in a forward direction.

So I hope you come back from Spain as refreshed as I've become. If you feel you can't talk to your friends, know that you can always talk to me. And though I do consider you a friend, it's different when someone is removed from you - when they don't know your other friends, and when they don't see you regularly or take part in your day to day life. If ever you need me I will gladly stay up late or wake up early to chat online, or purchase a calling card and speak directly on the phone. Whatever I can do for you, I'll happily make accommodations.

Your friend,
Raine

Secret Sundays

Wooo!

Greatest freakin' night ever.

Yeah. Ryan was in town for two days and it overlapped with Noruz (Persian New Year). I decided to have a party, and figured it would end up being the usual suspects. What I didn't expect was to have an old friend from my childhood and the extremely cool intern from work join in the festivities.

We ate, we drank, we played Dance Dance Revolution, Guitar Hero I, II, III, Magic the Gathering, set off tons of fireworks, and then did a drinking game to the movie "Monster's Inc."

The night before, we did a drinking game to "Flight of the Living Dead," which turned out to be an amazingly wonderful B Movie spoof of "Snakes on a Plane" that actually had better dialogue and effects than the original movie. Additionally it did a lot of things to differentiate itself and it plainly rocked. I highly suggest it as a party movie.

Also: while I am immensely good with Guitar Hero, I completely fail at DDR. I have no coordination with my feet. Mostly because I mix up the directions of the arrows. However, I found that when I call out the directions verbally I can actually finish songs =)

Later everyone! I have people to hang out with!

Secret Sundays

Big Brother Time!

My brother is in town, and I am wonderfully happy. As far as I'm concerned, he has always walked on water and exhibits the knowledge of a god. And I all but worship the ground he walks on. He's the BEST BROTHER EVER. I mean, I know he has flaws, but I couldn't care less. So long as I get hugs and an arm to latch onto I am happy =)

Gotta go: It's brother time!

Things I Hate #231

Tivo has me trying to rewind and fast forward radio stations while in my car.

Makin' a list, checkin' it twice...

Fingerprints: accomplished
12 Passport Photos: accomplished
Document Notorization: accomplished
Alias: established
Embassy Visit: pending


(The alias is because my dad changed his name when he became a US Citizen, and I'm required to use his original name on my documents.)

Well damn.

Today was a complete washout of a day. Nothing went as planned, and though that's not usually bad, nothing went WELL, either.

The only plus side is that I managed to get down to the Non-Embassy to obtain the papers I need to file (and the list of documents I need to produce) in order to gain dual-citizenship. Wahoo.

Interesting turn of events...

Thanks to Jay I have found a girl who doesn't make me hate her by her mere existence. So I'm going to steal an idea from one of her posts:


7 THINGS ABOUT ME YOU DIDN’T KNOW

(AND PROBABLY DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW)

1. My toes are creepy. All of the nails on my feet are oddly shaped, so I cover my feet at all times.

2. I have a scar on my forehead. I got over twenty stitches before my second birthday - I cracked my scull open while playing.

3. I don't wear makeup. Sorry guys, but I just can't stand the stuff.

4. I have never worn a bra that was the right fit. I've got a large rack, and damnit, it's difficult to get a proper fitting.

5. I have broken three hair brushes. It's long, dark, and thick. Circular brushes tend to snap in two.

6. My ex boyfriend never turned me on when we fooled around. He never told me he loved me (or anything close), and he never really kissed me. Without those two things, I just have no interest in intimacy.

7. Everyone who knows me thinks I'm a judgmental bitch. I can't help it - I have a strong sense of right and wrong and I've never once been wrong when I've judged someone based on looks/actions. I mean... when NO ONE can ever prove you wrong, is it REALLY being judgmental, or just intuitive?

Secret Sundays

When I feel like it, Sundays will show little bits of me. Like this:

T-Shirts Find Friends

Apparently I'm tackling talking to strangers sooner than I expected...

There is a guy who works at the supermarket near where I work, and every time I go in and check out at his register he starts a conversation with me. First it was about his confusion over Ash Wednesday and "why do people have smudges on their heads?" and then it was stuff based on my t-shirts.

Example: Today I wore one of my Decemberist shirts, and he asks me how many members are in the band, and we talk a bit and I turn to go and he says, "Do you know Arcade Fire?" Then he tells me about the ridiculous amount of band members they have, etc...

THEN I go to turn away and he asks if I remember the Decemberists on the Colbert Report and says he can't recall the reason for the Guitar Battle. So I remind him. And he gets another customer and we say goodbye.



I have been out of the "social game" for so long I can't tell if he's just friendly or if he flirts with me. If he is flirting, he's not my type. BUT he's fun to talk to, and it boosts my ego. I think I'll go back more often. Worst case scenario: I get a regular ego boost. Best case: I get a friend.

Gorgeous Weather

It is far too wonderful out for it to be early March, but I am fully enjoying it (as best as I can while working indoors).

Turns out that I completely forgot about a conference held at work today. I volunteered to help like last year, but that was a month ago and NO ONE sent any reminders. Oops? Still, I'm having an amazing hair day, so I can't complain.

My bed has arrived.. or will shortly. I got the delivery confirmation call. Part of me no longer wants it because the mattress alone is so BIG it will look ridiculous... but the other part of me says "FUCK IT! You deserve some completely absurd luxury!" So I'll be arranging a date for delivery shortly =)

I have my trip to see The Captain coming up. Is it horrible that I'm worried he won't like me or will think to himself "my god, she's ugly, how did I ever love her for so long?" I already KNOW I'm not looking to get together with him, as I came to terms with his airhead of a girlfriend months ago... but I would be so sad if it happened that way. It would crush what little confidence I still have in myself. And YES, RM, I know you're going to protest that and "blah blah blah if it's like that he wasn't a real friend anyway."

I wouldn't be sad about the friendship. I'd be sad about my judgement.

In other news, my social life is poor and I've started on a low dose of anti-depressants. So far there's no difference in me, but it's only been a week. I think I've grown too accustomed to my solitude and I need to renew my love of socialization. There are certain friends of mine who I only see when we're in groups, and I've started getting comfortable calling them individually.

Okay, it's ONE friend, but that's a start. Next week I will tackle "making small talk with strangers."

Also I need to play Risk more, because taking over the world on a weekly basis really does provide a boost for your ego.

I woke up this morning...

After having a bizarre dream in which I went to Target, helped a woman find decor for her home, talked about world travel with a bunch of older people and tourists from overseas, and then got serenaded by two young men from Iceland who in their funny accents began to sing "Enter The Sandman" by Metallica to me at a close enough range to certainly be well within my personal space. When I casually joined them in singing a few lines in, they got crazily excited and began rocking out and forming a three-person mosh pit with me while we stood in the middle of the "Global Bazar" isle.

Perhaps it explains the headache I've had since I woke up. But I must admit.. the Icelandic boys were cute once you got past the Master of Puppets t-shirts and general "angsty teenager" look. =)

Livin' the Good Life

There have been too many posts by me in recent weeks that focus on the negative aspects of life. This is a poor misrepresentation of my current situation, and I will remedy such posts by offsetting them with this one:

Things at work have been spectacular. I was given 65 projects three weeks ago, and as a part-time worker (and I had to take time off for medical reasons) I've finished 45 projects to the praise of my clients. Faaaantastic! Maybe it's just me, but I think I am an extraordinarily fast worker. When I'm focuses, the rotation of the Earth slows down and I become Superhuman. One of the women I've worked with a lot over the past year has told me in confidence that she's looking into finally getting my hired full-time. It would be wonderful if she manages it.

In the meantime I've been hired as the Lead Designer for a freelance project. I'm in charge of all of the logos/advertising for three festivals held in Boston in the upcoming months. While I'm not being paid nearly enough, it's good exposure and the events are very large - which means I can get a lot of new clients. Plus it's fun!

I also finally bought a bed. I have not had a bed in six years, so I'm exceedingly happy! It's perfect and pretty and I will post room-photos when it's here and everything's in place. Yeay!!!

In other news, I bought a treadmill and once I get it assembled I'm going to be exercising regularly. This means there will be less of me in the coming months, AND I can get all my frustrations out while doing something good for my body. It also means I can finally listen to music again. I've gotten into a habit of not listening when I'm on the computer, and I don't put anything in while I'm at work. But when I'm on a treadmill my iPod is my best friend =)

Two weeks from Monday I will know if I "need" surgery or not. The steroids they injected into my wrist (which caused me extra pain for a week and a half) haven't done anything. I still can't hold a pen or pencil for more than nine minutes. This probably means my pain is not caused by carpal tunnel, and it probably means it's a bone problem or... it's... god smiting an atheist's wrists? In all cases I would have to undergo either radical, extensive, or potentially permanently damaging surgery. I've decided I'm just going to live with it, like before. But at least I'll know, if it gets worse down the line, what the problem is =)

Valentine's day is approaching, and a musician I really enjoy is playing at a venue I really enjoy that night. Sadly, I won't be going. I don't feel like going stag to a concert on a day that commercialism reserves for couples. The good news is that the musician clearly likes the venue (because he's returned) so I know he'll be back again.

Shy has disappeared into an abyss. He failed out of school, doesn't have internet at his apartment, and is pretty much in hiding. My lack of any kind of contact with him has caused me to fall out of my crush on him. It makes me a little sad, because it leaves me with no one to focus my affections on, and I'm the kind of person who always has love to give... provided it's deserved. In a way it's like having a well with no one to drink from it, but it's not so bad. I think things will look up once I officially get my degree and move out of this hellish area.

On a random note, I've been looking at apartments in Seattle, Washington. There are some very snazzy ones that I could actually afford to BUY with a very minimal loan provided I get a full-time job here and live rent-free for another year or two. While living here would destroy me, it may actually be an okay idea. especially if I find someone new to focus all that potential energy I have in my heart on.

<3

Seriously. What the fuck?

So not long after I posted about Ryan's secret betrayal of me, I called her up and point blank told her how that impacted me. And we talked. A lot. And we agreed on a lot of stuff, and ended up completely back to normal. I told her I didn't want to rain on her parade anymore because she already knows what I think of her boyfriend, and she understood that I told her what I think without sugar coating because I love her like a sister, and I just want to protect her as best as I can until she makes her own choices in life.

Things were good. Things were normal.

Until today.



I called her yesterday and she promptly tells me she'll call me back and hangs up.

NO BIG DEAL. There was no emergency when I called her yesterday. I just wanted to tell her something personal because I wanted her opinion. Something I wouldn't go to anyone else about because I wouldn't be comfortable telling other people.

And what does she do when she calls me back today?

SHE FAILS TO TELL ME I'VE BEEN ON SPEAKER PHONE FOR THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION.

She could have turned off speaker phone when I started to confide in her.
But no.

She could have told me I was on speaker phone.
Again, no.

I find out because after I tell her everything I hear mumbling in the background. I ask who she's talking to, and when she tells me it's her scumbag boyfriend and I say in an agitated way "could you tell him that for ONE MINUTE I'd like to have a private conversation with my best friend?" I hear him reply, "She doesn't have to, you've been on speaker phone." I asked, "what?" and he repeated himself louder.

I felt horribly betrayed.

I was quiet for a second or two, and then I just said, "thank you, Ryan. Thanks a lot." and hung up.

She tried to call me back but I flipped open my phone and hung up without even answering.


How could she do that?

No one ever wants to know the truth

My best friend is...

No.
















My best friend...

No..






















I think that my best friend...

Not that, either.













I can't do it. I can't rant properly. I'm... I CAN rant properly, but I don't want it floating around on the web where anyone can see it. I feel like it would be too hurtful if Ryan were ever to see it. I feel like revenge just doesn't cut it.

Lashing out would be easy. And everyone who would read what I have to say would agree that I am the wronged party. But it's not worth the risks. Not just to Ryan, but to any girl who might read it and think it's about her.

My best friend is ditching me.

She said I was only still her best friend because I've got "seniority" and because I've been like a sister to her for so long. But what she meant to say is that I'm no longer her best friend, and I've been replaced by a boy who is using her for sex.

It's a long, convoluted story of betrayal, lies, and cheating. The worst part is that I wasn't even involved in ANY of that. But I am a casualty. I say what I see, what I feel, what I know is right, and I've been shot in the back.

I thought we were closer than this.

I thought we could tell each other anything.

I thought we could be completely honest and not have it destroy us.

We prided ourselves on those little facts. We talked about them, reinforced them, tested them. There were so many bigger things than a BOY that could have destroyed us, and I was afraid more than once that we'd drift apart because of them. There were moves, living states apart, rarely seeing each other, entering the real world hundreds of miles away from each other... those were the things, if any, to break us apart.

I didn't see this.

It's like being blind-sided by a truck.

And she didn't even tell me to my face. She hinted in person and then pointed fingers online. How would she feel if she ever found and read this blog? You know what, nevermind. Because at this point I don't know her anymore. At this point she'd probably laugh at me, or say something like "serves her right for calling me stupid!"

[insert entire story here.
I deleted it. To protect
the people involved.]



I've lost her because I held a mirror to her face and she didn't like what she saw.

Game over. I lose.
And so will she.

Too Embarassed to be Embarrassed?

So I got an email at 2:00 in the morning telling me I’ve been charged nearly $300 for web hosting… even though I’ve already paid up my hosting costs. Hm. Weird.

Then I get an email 11 hours later. It read:


Hi Raine!

Ack. Through a COMPLETE bumbling on our part, we've accidentally attempted to charge you for the ENTIRE year of 2008 (and probably 2009!) ALREADY (it was all due to a fat finger)!

We're really really realllly embarassed about this, but you have nothing to worry about. Please ignore any confusing billing messages you may have received recently; we've already removed all those bum future charges on your account and already refunded the $296.62 charge on your credit card.

You should get the money back on almost immediately, within a day or two max, and there's no need to contact your credit card company or bank for the refund.

Thank you very very much for your patience with this.. we PROMISE this won't happen again. There's no need to reply to this message unless of course you have any other questions at all!

Sincerely,
The Foolish Billing Team!


Is it odd that I wasn’t even mad? I was glad that their team is as odd as I am. However, after reading the apology I felt there was a grave enough situation to merit my response of:


Hi Fools!

I know I don't have to respond, but you should be equally "embarassed" about your misspelling of embarrassed.

Cheers!
Raine

Today

I have neglected this blog. To make up for everything since I last posted, I will now list all noteworthy events since the new year as though they happened today:

Today I once again forgot to post the photo of my car hitting 100,000 miles.
Today I saw neurons in my visual cortex misfiring for 15 seconds.
Today I shattered a large mirror - on purpose.
Today I cleaned the house, because I could.
Today I tooled around in a wheelchair. Fun!
Today I made fun of cripples.
Today I made fun of the autistic.
Today I organized most of my DVDs.
Today I stepped in super tiny shards of glass and bled!
Today I pulled glass from my foot.
Today I never left the house.
Today I had friends over until 6:00am. Four times.
Today I naturally woke up at 9:00am after 3 hours of sleep.
Today I saved my mom's good china from crashing to the floor.
Today I did laundry and washed my clothes, sheets, pillow cases and EVERYTHING!
Today I resolved to buy new pillows, because mine suck.
Today I decided that yes, I really DO need a good mattress.
Today I cleaned the house a second time.
Today I cleaned the kitchen a third time.
Today I got a haircut.
Today I found my PS2 had broken.
Today I forgot to buy the tools to fix my PS2.
Today I realized my best friend has change too much for me to care about her anymore.
Today was the 10th anniversary of a friend’s death.
Today I drove an hour to pay my respects.
Today I got 953 new Magic The Gathering cards.
Today I built decks with friends!
Today I did a draft tournament and LOST HORRIBLY.
Today I decided to go to New York for visit.
Today I invited my ex to go along, knowing I would only do a day trip with him.
Today I coughed a whole lot.
Today I watched The Sopranos season six.
Today I forgot to go buy “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” seasons one and two.
Today I made a list of all the crappy stuff I’ve done.

Hello, 2008.

These are the things I did to ring in the new year:

New Year's Eve-Eve Party
I have a lot of diverse friends. I am not a "primary friend" to many/any of them, but I am a good friend to all of them. So when it comes to holidays, I am not the person they choose to spend it with. Because of this, I did a New Year's Eve-Eve party, and on Dec. 30th I had four friends hang out, play games, spend my $300 in gift cards to a bar and grill restaurant, and then watch DVDs. We were up until 4am. Then, because Ryan just came into town, we talked until 6am.

New Year's Eve
Woke up at 10am. Hung out with Ryan. Watched a bad movie, made molotov cocktails, exploded them and set off fireworks. We also left an orange traffic cone at an acquaintance's house. We wrote on it: "Happy New Year! Courtesy of your friendly neighborhood stalkers." She went to sleep at 1:00, and I went to sleep at 4:00.

New Year's Day
Gamed/hung out with Ryan and our good friend Red Beard The Pirate. We put on some movies. Ryan went to sleep at 3am, and Red Beard and I talked until 7am. I never went to sleep.

January 2
Played Star Wars Trivial Pursuit with Ryan, Red Beard, and Colin. They were a collective 3-person team, with 3 people in play in different parts of the board pooling their winning pieces together. I still won. Apparently I still have it in me. They had 3 times the turns, three times the people, and often easier questions. But I'm still a Star Wars god =) Went out, watched Star Wars. Ryan slept at 3:00, Red Beard at 5:00, Colin left at 6:00, and I never went to sleep.

Jan 3
...who knows?