I don't like these decisions

Having no other prospects is not a good enough reason to get back together with someone. I know that.

But that doesn't make things any easier.

Colin wants to get back together after over 4 years. He's dated some psychos (bipolar, controlling, and abusive) and I think he's come to realize that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I knew it 4 years ago. He knew it then, too, but he didn't care. He says he's grown up a lot and changed. And that's possible, considering when I left him he was 16 and now he's almost 21.

In the meantime I've not dated anyone. I know I didn't make myself emotionally available, and I was very caught up in life (deaths, parent's divorce, jobs, school) but that doesn't change that I've not been able to experience anything different or new. And I don't think it's fair that he wants to come back after figuring out that I'm the best of all the girls he's dated while all I've got is what we had back then.

It's also bad timing. I'm just opening up to the idea of liking Shy, and I've just started to consider the potential being with him would have.

Shy is... kind of tall, has a (particularly gross) beard, long hair, a squishy stomach, a family who controls every aspect of his life, and he doesn't always shower, has worn stained and torn clothes out in public with me, he's generally miserable, and clearly by the name I've given him is very shy. Colin is... very tall, has a beard I like, short hair that's still long enough to play with, a terrible family he's trying to get away from, and he always looks great (way better than I do, and girls everywhere turn their heads and stare at him), and is social, fun, outgoing, cheerful (with bouts of depression), and is built like a rock.

And none of that matters to me.

What matters is that I feel like getting back together with Colin would be settling for something familiar. Falling back into old habits would be easy as flipping a switch, but the decision to turn that switch is heavy and grave. It would be stupid of me to do it without making sure Colin really has changed, and it would be even more stupid to do it without telling Shy about my feelings for him.

If Colin really is a "new" man, I'd still choose something new with Shy over something new with Colin. He had his chance. He fucked up royally. And I think he doesn't deserve a second chance until someone else gets a first.

Does that make sense?

Shit. This means I have to talk with Shy. What kind of girl says "no" when a handsome young man tells her he wants her? I hate my life.