Good Deeds?

So yesterday I was driving to Springfield to get together a Zombie Preparedness Kit for Ryan's graduation gift when I make a turn around an overpass on the Fairfax County Parkway and see a Ford Explorer spinning out and settling in the middle of the road. By the time I'd slammed my brakes and pulled over to the median I was already on the phone with 911.

I got out of my car, saw the woman in the driver's seat waking up. She said she was okay, and she could move and everything, but we couldn't get her door open and her car wouldn't start. (It was fairly fucked in the front. She'd lost control and slammed into a barrier wall.) She couldn't exit on the passenger side because people were zooming by at 50-70mph there. It was pretty unsafe to be in the middle, and I saw her looking in the back to a kid, about 2 years old. I got the kid out of the back, and pulled the mom through the window. I stayed with them until some other people stopped to help, and then finally the police came.

The officer told everyone not involved to go home, so I did.

Is it odd that while I was driving away I thought, "damnit, had this happened Tuesday I'd have gotten my good deed for 2008 out of the way"? Just wondering.

It's a wonderful life?

I saw "It's a Wonderful Life" for the first time tonight. It was a very good movie, but the lesson that I got out of it was "give up your dreams and settle for what you've got." My mother seems to think I have a very "interesting" take on the movie, and it appears that she finds something wrong with my assessment. I don't understand why I'm so wrong.

Sure, the world where he was never born was worse off than the one where he lived, of that there's no question. But what about the life where he follows his dreams? Where was that? And I don't buy the argument that in the end he realized his dreams were not to travel and get out of his home town, but to help people and have a family. That's not his DREAM. That's the reality he has to cope with.

Now, I'm glad he did what he did. Clearly he helped a lot of people and he made people's lives better, richer, and happier. And that's not something to be taken lightly. But where's the progress?

Is he any better off at the end of the movie? No. He's not going to jail - that's good. But the mean old man still has his money. And the mean old man didn't change. And his friends have bailed him out of trouble, but he's still not seen the world. He's still in the house he swore he'd never live in. Still working the job he never wanted for the company he never wanted. Still married, like he swore he'd never be, though it probably would have happened anyway. So what's changed? Well... He's just realized that complaining isn't going to make things any better, and he ought to enjoy what he has.

I think that was his big fault. If you're going to give up everything you want, you should damn well get all the joy you can out of what you've got left. So he learned that much. But I still don't know if I'd call it a happy ending.

Aw, shoot

I've got this feeling Shy is ignoring me.

While we were normal after my apparent joke of a confession of liking him, he's not returned any of my text messages for a week. And NO, I'm not one of those horrible people who messages constantly. I've sent about 3-4 messages in 7 days, two of which were sent at the same time.

Hm.

Boys are dumb. I know he's been super busy, but boys are still dumb.

HOWEVER, unless the whole "ignoring" thing lasts like, close to a month, I always assume the other person is just busy or our schedules don't coincide. Doesn't mean I like it, but it does mean I rarely over react or jump the gun.

Holidays?

I hate the holidays. I mean really hate them - as in I can't stand them and they make me miserable. But for some reason I am the designated Holiday Cheer person.

I have the potential to be an amazing holiday lover. I love to make things pretty. I love to decorate, to bake, to find the perfect gift and wrap it meticulously.

But I fuckin' hate the holidays.

This year I've decided to make a gingerbread house. I've never made one before, so it should be interesting. I'll drive it up to Philadelphia with me to visit family. But being ME, I can't just make a little cottage.

My first foray into gingerbread will have me making a gingerbread chapel, complete with stained glass (sugar) windows, a steeple, and snow. Why?

Because I am insane.

Because I love working details.

Because I'm just THAT good. I'm that person who saw this picture of a Mad Hatter Cake when I was 15 and then just went ahead and made my own without instruction, and to fairly okay results, considering I'd never heard of fondant (that gum paste icing) until the day I worked with the stuff, AND I WAS FIFTEEN.

Now I'm 22 and I kick ass. Tonight, because I felt like it and there are some people coming over tomorrow, I made Raspberry Mousse. I use my own recipe. I made it up once, because I just figured making a mousse was a pretty obvious process. I don't like recipes.

I'll post photos of the gingerbread structure when it's completed.

Woo?

Preface: when I first was in touch with Shy over a year ago, I didn't want to call him my friend. I'd taken a shining to him within a few days, and I didn't want him to be weirded out. I called him my Foe, and we've been "Foes" ever since. I tend to do this when I like someone and I don't want to tag them with even the most mundane of social norms. I made up "dream of good crap" when I first knew the captain, because I thought "sweet dreams" was too sentimental. I'm odd, but that's how I roll.

SO I TOOK THE PLUNGE and told Shy that I like him in the least-damaging way I could think of: text messages.

Yes, I'm practically 12 years old. And I made that the premise of my message. I didn't want to scare him off, so it went something like this:

ME: .:punch!:.

HIM: Too late! I've already eaten!

ME: Sorry. I just realized I have a little crush on you and my first instinct was to act like I'm in grade school and hit you. PS: you're not allowed to be weird with me because of this or you'll get punched in person.

HIM: You didn't get my reference!

[60 minutes of messaging about SNL skits]

[20 minutes of messaging about an itch in his inner ear. I suggest he drop water down it.]

HIM: That would be equally as frustrating a prayer-cleaning.

ME: I am so glad I never pray.

HIM: So am I. Your wrath is bad enough without God behind you.

ME: Yeay!! I win!
ME: But... you've never even seen my wrath!

HIM: As your for I've come to understand your wrath despite the distance between us.
HIM: As your foe, I meant.

ME: I know. It was not hard to figure out.

HIM: You're not hard to figure out.

ME: What does that mean?

HIM: I strike another deadly blow to my unsuspecting foe!

ME: =O


And it ends. He never said a word about what sparked my first messages. His avoidance doesn't bother me because he was still acting like normal. But it still stings that I didn't merit a comment. I am 95% happy. After all, I still have my friend.

I don't like these decisions

Having no other prospects is not a good enough reason to get back together with someone. I know that.

But that doesn't make things any easier.

Colin wants to get back together after over 4 years. He's dated some psychos (bipolar, controlling, and abusive) and I think he's come to realize that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I knew it 4 years ago. He knew it then, too, but he didn't care. He says he's grown up a lot and changed. And that's possible, considering when I left him he was 16 and now he's almost 21.

In the meantime I've not dated anyone. I know I didn't make myself emotionally available, and I was very caught up in life (deaths, parent's divorce, jobs, school) but that doesn't change that I've not been able to experience anything different or new. And I don't think it's fair that he wants to come back after figuring out that I'm the best of all the girls he's dated while all I've got is what we had back then.

It's also bad timing. I'm just opening up to the idea of liking Shy, and I've just started to consider the potential being with him would have.

Shy is... kind of tall, has a (particularly gross) beard, long hair, a squishy stomach, a family who controls every aspect of his life, and he doesn't always shower, has worn stained and torn clothes out in public with me, he's generally miserable, and clearly by the name I've given him is very shy. Colin is... very tall, has a beard I like, short hair that's still long enough to play with, a terrible family he's trying to get away from, and he always looks great (way better than I do, and girls everywhere turn their heads and stare at him), and is social, fun, outgoing, cheerful (with bouts of depression), and is built like a rock.

And none of that matters to me.

What matters is that I feel like getting back together with Colin would be settling for something familiar. Falling back into old habits would be easy as flipping a switch, but the decision to turn that switch is heavy and grave. It would be stupid of me to do it without making sure Colin really has changed, and it would be even more stupid to do it without telling Shy about my feelings for him.

If Colin really is a "new" man, I'd still choose something new with Shy over something new with Colin. He had his chance. He fucked up royally. And I think he doesn't deserve a second chance until someone else gets a first.

Does that make sense?

Shit. This means I have to talk with Shy. What kind of girl says "no" when a handsome young man tells her he wants her? I hate my life.