Tipping Well

Today I went out to lunch.

My bill was something like this:

Total 12.57
Tip 8.43

Total 21.00


That's a 67% tip. Why?

Because the lady in the next booth over was being a loud, pretentious bitch. From the moment I was seated all I heard were complaints.

"This place is never as good as the other location."
"What kind of bread is this? Your other location doesn't serve this!"
"Every time I come to this location the food and service is terrible."
"I can't believe I'm eating this. How can they serve this?"
"My cup [plastic cup] is chipped! Look at this! I could have died!" [yes, she said that]
"Where is the waiter? This service is terrible!" [he'd JUST been at her table]
"Is this even chicken?"
"I want to talk to the manager and complain to the corporate office."

ALL THE WHILE she's having a conversation with a man [I assume her friend] at the table.

"Going to JAPAN? Wow! Isn't that exciting!"
"Don't you want to go to Japan? I do."
"You know they say everything's cheaper in Japan." [wtf?]
"How much does that cost? Are you staying in a 5-star hotel?"
"The Japanese know how to be classy."
"Tokyo is supposed to be amazing."
"The only way to fly is first class. Are you going first class?"
"I would NEVER stay anywhere with less than 4 stars."

ON AND ON AND ON.

I finished my meal at the same time as her. She was telling about the cup that was going to put shards in her stomach and rip out her organs and kill her, and demanding to see the manager. I noticed she already drank her entire soda. I figured she wanted a free meal. I left my tip (paid with credit card) and wrote at the bottom of the signed bill:

"I hope this tip makes up for SOME of what that crazy lady at the next booth is doing."



Then I stood up and took the 2 steps over to her table. She looked about 60 years old. Just as the manager was ALMOST there, I said the following:

"Lady, shut up. Do you realize how loud you are? Do you realize that everyone in this restaurant is praying to god that you shut your trap and quit whining like a child? I'm willing to bet that the people who work here want nothing more than to gag you and throw you out the door, but they can't do that because their jobs depend on being polite, and so far they've been more than kind to you, compensating for every innane complaint you pull out of your ass and sucking up to you as you walk all over them. You are a bitter, pretentious woman. If you hate this place so much you would have driven the 15 minutes to the other location. But you came here, BY CHOICE, on your own free will. And you're fishing for a free meal. So SHUT UP. Being retired doesn't mean you get to make everyone else miserable like you. Take this [I toss a quarter on her table] and buy yourself a life.

[I turn away, take a few steps, and turn back.]

And Japan? It's not that great. I prefer Shanghai over Tokyo."


The whole place was quiet. As I left, I noticed a few people giving me a "thumbs up" in the windows.