Monday, Monday

So I had an epiphany at work on Monday. Literally. One minute I was using photoshop to edit some pictures I took, and the next I was at a dead stop having realized that I am not mad at The Captain.

Here’s the rundown:

I realized that while we would be a fantastic couple – a couple other people wished they could be – he and I would never make it. We are exactly what both of us want in a person, but we want completely different things out of life. He wants a house on the beach in his home state, bbqs with the neighbors, and just to be happy where he is. I want adventure. I live to travel. I can’t imagine staying in any one place for too long – and if I had a stationary home it would only be a base from which I’d jump to my next destination.

In another life he and I would be a firey, passionate couple. We would be the stuff of legends. We would be an epic novel. But in this life? We are friends.

This thought was so important to me, so revolutionary that I went outside and called him up on the phone to tell him what hit me. I told him that if he was in any way beating himself up for how things have happened, he should stop. His terrible actions were merely a reaction to the bad situation that came out of the possibility of us – a possibility made from both of our unrealistic desires.

So I told him as far as I am concerned, we’re okay. And so long as he starts being my friend again, we can go right back to the way things were and I’ll hold no animosity towards him for the way he’s behaved in the last few months.

The best part is, I meant every word.

It’s strange to be (technically) emotionally available. I think I’m going to wait a bit before I let myself get close to another guy like I did with the Captain, but it’s because I want myself to grow as a person – it’s not because I’m wounded by the experience.

He has been texting me again. Several times a day. I know it’s partly to show that he’s putting an effort into making us normal again, but it’s also because of that phone call. I think there’s a good chance we’ll be okay. I think he needed to hear from me that I really felt okay with everything and that I don’t have some secret distaste for him. I know he was scared when he thought I hated him – which only kept him further away from me. Now?

Now I think we can move forward. And I once again look forward to seeing him in the spring.