What a night..

Hmm.. I would like to preface this post by clarifying that I am not an emo person. I started this blog specifically to talk out things I normally would keep to myself, but I am not emo. I don’t spend all day moping, crying, or otherwise acting like some dumb angsty teenager. With that out of the way, here we go:


I’ve known for some time that a second inevitable talk was going to occur between myself and The Captain. I called him out for all of his shittiness and assholery in September, and he promised he would change. He promised he’d be a better friend, he’d be in touch regularly, and he’d call me “next month.”

I knew he was lying when he promised he’d call. And I was right.

And when things didn’t really get normal with us (strained conversations which tapered off eventually and were always at his whim) I knew I needed to set him straight. And I decided it would be last night. Except I wasn’t feeling up to it. I wasn’t feeling cocky enough.

So I talked to Shy. I asked him if he could do me a favour and cheer me up before “an inevitable and rather bad talk” I was going to have. He said he didn’t think he could, that he’s “not a terribly upbeat fellow.” I countered that with telling him that he usually manages it [cheering me up] pretty well in the course of conversations.

And then it hit me. Shy has been nothing but supportive and wonderful. In everything. And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad if I open myself up to the possibility that I might have a crush on him. Especially when he moves back to the area in December.

So Shy cheered me up, and I took the plunge with The Captain. And it took two hours of continual talking and opening up for us to reach a [sort of] conclusion. The super-boiled down version is this:

Me: I need to know if I’m supposed to be getting over you or not

Him: [after some time and rambling] I think I know what I want in a person. but I don’t have the ability to say how I will be in the future. which I know sounds awful.

[then he went on about how he wants to be with the other girl and how that wasn’t really my question and that I asked how he felt about me.]

Me: how you feel about me is pretty irrelevant at this point, wouldn't you say?

Him: no I don’t think it is at all.


[I tell him how rude and simply inconsiderate it is for him to give me no answer AT ALL for so long, and that he’s essentially using me as a safety net if things with the other girl don’t work out. we talk, he opens up a whole lot. Admits the way he’s been behaving was total betrayal. Admits he doesn’t know how to be an “active friend” to people, and tells me how he’s always lived in a fantasy world and he’s afraid of growing up and getting out of it. I tell him fantasy world’s aren’t all that impossible, though it’s hard to get there. I tell him how I get gut feelings where I just instantly KNOW something that hasn’t happened yet, and how I’ve never been wrong. And how it could be completely irrational when I realize it, but it’ll happen. It ALWAYS happens. And I told him I had gut feeling about him when I first saw his photo that made contact him 4 years ago.

I explain his complete apathy is the worst thing anyone can do to another person, because friendship, love, and hate all require an effort, and apathy is simply the lack of even caring enough to have a response to a person. He says he’s avoided me because he thinks he won’t be able to share with the other girl if he’s still so open with me. I tell him to suck it up or face my wrath. He says he’s more afraid of losing me than he is of my wrath, because at least wrath means I care enough to get mad. I told him he already lost me before, when he ignored me for three whole months.]


A lot of other important, interesting things were said. By the end, two hours after the start, it went like this:

Me: it's almost impressive that after all of this talking, which was constructive, I never did get that answer. you're very good at your skill of avoidance. and I actually mean that as a compliment, and not so much as a stab at you

Him: which question was that again?

Me: Do I need to get over you?

Him: Ah yes, the actual binary question.

Me: Which apparently has a hexadecimal answer.

Him: oh FUCK. That comment makes me think about all the things I know about you.

Me: Sorry?

Him: No, no. Look: the issue has three parts for me. I love you in all the ways it is possible to love someone via long distance. Which I must say is considerable. I don’t know if I’m physically attracted to you. This is obviously very important. I want to tell you yes, get over me, for your sake. By MY gut feeling says that wouldn’t be the right answer. I’m also in a relationship I which I am not eager to end. Which I don’t expect I would ever consider ending if I didn’t know you. Which just fucking kills me.

CONCLUSION: We agree that when we’re 80 years old, neither of us want this to be a story of “what if…”



Yeah. Not quite the conclusion I was hoping for, but it’s good enough. For now. I made it clear that I can be his friend, so long as he puts effort into that friendship.

Personally (I did not tell him this) I’m going to try to let myself feel things for other guys. But I know, and The Captain probably knows, that he’s going to have a place in my heart, no matter what, that will always be his. Likewise, I’ll have one in his. And when we see each other in the spring? Well… I guess that’s just up in the air.