Tired

I’ve had some long talks with my ex, Colin, recently. We were very close friends for a time, and I feel that we can be fully honest with each other without having reservations – which is a good relationship to have with someone who knows you so well. Lately I’ve been asking questions … questions that put him on the spot.

Many of these circle around one theme: why do you think guys don’t want me? I even specifically asked if my looks are what keeps guys away from me, or if it’s my personality. I even asked for specific percentages for each category. (He replied that my personality is at least 60% of why guys don’t want me, and looks are whatever’s remaining).

Tonight Colin asked me if I think companionship is what will make me happy. He said “you make it sound like if you don’t snare a good guy now, you never will.”

I don’t believe that. I think the problem here is that I’m too comfortable talking to Colin, and I assume he and I are on the same wavelength when we’re not. I don’t NEED a boyfriend to be happy. I admit that relationships have been on my mind recently, constantly, but it’s not out of desperation. It’s out of curiosity.

I am a bit of a scientist at heart.

I realized that at 22 years old I should (statistically) have had at least one guy interested in me in my lifetime. But that’s not been the case.

And before you start saying that I’m talking about my ex… he doesn’t count. I pursued him. I had to do everything in the relationship from planning when we got together to implementing the break up because he completely took me for granted. When someone uses you like he used me, that does not constitute “interest.” I know he genuinely cared for me, but doing nothing to ever show it doesn’t give that care any merit. He wouldn’t even admit we were dating.

Back to the point: I realized that I’m somewhat of an anomaly. Naturally, this sparked my curiosity, and I’ve been coming up with different hypotheses about WHY no guy has been interested in me. All of my talks with Colin are a result of me trying to gather data to support of disprove my various hypotheses. I mean, you can’t just make observations without data!

I realize now that my experimental design is flawed. Leading my test variables to believe something incorrect that might impact their data collection is just sloppy. And now my ex thinks I’m crazy.

I think it’s time I just go to sleep. It’s 6:00am, and I just made a 1up cake and cleaned the kitchen.