Feelin' Fine

For a long while I’ve known that Nada Surf captured a big part of my life in their song, “Do it again.” It was this past week, with the whole blow up with my dad, that I rediscovered the song. It tends to pop up when I need it. I'm aware that it's probably a subconscious reaction on my part to stress. But that doesn't make singing the last lines with all my heart any less therapeutic.

My first listen in the car after making a random playlist filled with free songs that Barsuk Records had available for download on their website was memorable. Like many times before, I was listening to get high off the upbeat sound. Lyrics didn’t register so much, but the feel did. It registered, checked in, and made itself at home.

I would have no idea what the song was or who sang it for almost a week. Then I burned it onto a CD with some other similarly upbeat songs and began listening a bit more discernibly.

The introduction tapped into the depression I was refusing to admit I felt, even though I knew it existed. It hit on my own constant need to keep up appearances of having everything together. “I spend all my energy staying upright.” That’s exactly what I did for years. I had nothing left to give after just working to function.

Well I'd snap to attention if I thought that you knew the way
I'd open my mouth if I had something smart to say
I bought a stack of books, I didn't read a thing
It's like I'm sitting here waiting for birds to sing

It made me think of my own lethargy. It was painfully close to my situation of always waiting. Waiting for the people around me to wake up and stop taking me for granted. Waiting for my degree to happen. Waiting for that one guy to step up and tell me he loves me and then actually do something about it. Waiting for my life to start. “It’s like I’m sitting here waiting for birds to sing.” Every time I hear that line it echoes in my heart.

Looking up the lyrics provided me a view into my own emotional state of mind. I’d heard “I like the masked noise quiet of your breathing nearby” as “I like the masked noise of your quiet bleeding me alive” It never occurred to me how that line didn’t fit into the rest of the song, and it never in a million years occurred to me that the line didn’t actually make sense. All I knew what that I sympathized with a person who put energy into a relationship only to be slowly killed by the other person.

I want your lazy science, I want some peace
Are you the future? Show me the keys

All I wanted was a new start with new people. Every day I begged no one in particular to cut me a break. Show me the damned keys.

But the biggest part of the song, the thing that makes me a song I connect with, is the end:

Maybe this weight was a gift
Like I had to see what I could lift

I’ve always stood by this philosophy. All the crap I’ve had to go through, and the pain I’ve been dragged through and saturated in… I always considered it a double-edged sword. I will be far more prepared for my future than I would have been otherwise. I’ve learned to deal with the worst of things. I’ve gotten stronger every time I’ve been cut down because I’m far too stubborn to ever give in to anything. I flat out refuse to be beaten, and there have been very few situations my sheer willpower to overcome adversity has failed to pull me through. Years ago a friend of mine said that I had the strongest will of anyone he’d known. He told me there was nothing in the world my will couldn’t tough me through.

He was damn right.

So yeah, maybe this weight was a gift. And it reasserts my ability to always survive and become a better person.