What a night..

Hmm.. I would like to preface this post by clarifying that I am not an emo person. I started this blog specifically to talk out things I normally would keep to myself, but I am not emo. I don’t spend all day moping, crying, or otherwise acting like some dumb angsty teenager. With that out of the way, here we go:


I’ve known for some time that a second inevitable talk was going to occur between myself and The Captain. I called him out for all of his shittiness and assholery in September, and he promised he would change. He promised he’d be a better friend, he’d be in touch regularly, and he’d call me “next month.”

I knew he was lying when he promised he’d call. And I was right.

And when things didn’t really get normal with us (strained conversations which tapered off eventually and were always at his whim) I knew I needed to set him straight. And I decided it would be last night. Except I wasn’t feeling up to it. I wasn’t feeling cocky enough.

So I talked to Shy. I asked him if he could do me a favour and cheer me up before “an inevitable and rather bad talk” I was going to have. He said he didn’t think he could, that he’s “not a terribly upbeat fellow.” I countered that with telling him that he usually manages it [cheering me up] pretty well in the course of conversations.

And then it hit me. Shy has been nothing but supportive and wonderful. In everything. And maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad if I open myself up to the possibility that I might have a crush on him. Especially when he moves back to the area in December.

So Shy cheered me up, and I took the plunge with The Captain. And it took two hours of continual talking and opening up for us to reach a [sort of] conclusion. The super-boiled down version is this:

Me: I need to know if I’m supposed to be getting over you or not

Him: [after some time and rambling] I think I know what I want in a person. but I don’t have the ability to say how I will be in the future. which I know sounds awful.

[then he went on about how he wants to be with the other girl and how that wasn’t really my question and that I asked how he felt about me.]

Me: how you feel about me is pretty irrelevant at this point, wouldn't you say?

Him: no I don’t think it is at all.


[I tell him how rude and simply inconsiderate it is for him to give me no answer AT ALL for so long, and that he’s essentially using me as a safety net if things with the other girl don’t work out. we talk, he opens up a whole lot. Admits the way he’s been behaving was total betrayal. Admits he doesn’t know how to be an “active friend” to people, and tells me how he’s always lived in a fantasy world and he’s afraid of growing up and getting out of it. I tell him fantasy world’s aren’t all that impossible, though it’s hard to get there. I tell him how I get gut feelings where I just instantly KNOW something that hasn’t happened yet, and how I’ve never been wrong. And how it could be completely irrational when I realize it, but it’ll happen. It ALWAYS happens. And I told him I had gut feeling about him when I first saw his photo that made contact him 4 years ago.

I explain his complete apathy is the worst thing anyone can do to another person, because friendship, love, and hate all require an effort, and apathy is simply the lack of even caring enough to have a response to a person. He says he’s avoided me because he thinks he won’t be able to share with the other girl if he’s still so open with me. I tell him to suck it up or face my wrath. He says he’s more afraid of losing me than he is of my wrath, because at least wrath means I care enough to get mad. I told him he already lost me before, when he ignored me for three whole months.]


A lot of other important, interesting things were said. By the end, two hours after the start, it went like this:

Me: it's almost impressive that after all of this talking, which was constructive, I never did get that answer. you're very good at your skill of avoidance. and I actually mean that as a compliment, and not so much as a stab at you

Him: which question was that again?

Me: Do I need to get over you?

Him: Ah yes, the actual binary question.

Me: Which apparently has a hexadecimal answer.

Him: oh FUCK. That comment makes me think about all the things I know about you.

Me: Sorry?

Him: No, no. Look: the issue has three parts for me. I love you in all the ways it is possible to love someone via long distance. Which I must say is considerable. I don’t know if I’m physically attracted to you. This is obviously very important. I want to tell you yes, get over me, for your sake. By MY gut feeling says that wouldn’t be the right answer. I’m also in a relationship I which I am not eager to end. Which I don’t expect I would ever consider ending if I didn’t know you. Which just fucking kills me.

CONCLUSION: We agree that when we’re 80 years old, neither of us want this to be a story of “what if…”



Yeah. Not quite the conclusion I was hoping for, but it’s good enough. For now. I made it clear that I can be his friend, so long as he puts effort into that friendship.

Personally (I did not tell him this) I’m going to try to let myself feel things for other guys. But I know, and The Captain probably knows, that he’s going to have a place in my heart, no matter what, that will always be his. Likewise, I’ll have one in his. And when we see each other in the spring? Well… I guess that’s just up in the air.

Travel!

People are travelling, and it''s gotten me in the mood to think about the places I've been and the places I'm going. I will absolutely be leaving the country again sometime soon - the itch to see the world is far too great. In the meantime, here is a map of the places I've already been. Keep in mind that this is simply the "pretty" map generator, and that it didn't even have all the places I've been to listed (no Liechtenstein, Gibraltar, Caymen Islands, or Vatican City!).

My Visited Countries

Yum!

I make good cakes.

Every year, as a new tradition, I make my best friend a cool birthday cake. Her family generally ignores her birthday, so I like to go the extra mile and make sure she has something special to look forward to. This year I decided that having lived through a year of total turmoil (her last birthday was spent in the hospital, and she would return several times after that) she deserved something.. unique. She thwarted meningitis. She soundly defeated several nasty cuts while working in a deli shop. She overcame IBS, which turned out to not be IBS but might actually be cancer, but she doesn't know yet, and it might just be something minor after all. And she put up with me - which at times is no easy task.

Okay, that's a lie. I'm actually not a difficult person to get along with.

BUT she earned her 1up.

And that's why I made her the 1up cake. An extra life may go a long way =)

With a little help from my friends

The weekend was amazingly awesome and I can't begin to try explaining it other than to say I'll post some cake photos later and give a little more detail.

One thing that's unrelated to the fantastic weekend was a car ride in which I got to talk with my best friend. It's rare that we actually talk about "normal" things that best friends/girls would talk about. Up until a month or two ago we never mentioned much in terms of deeper and more personal topics about our families, about boys, or about life in general. We were super-acquaintences. Now we're becoming true best friends.

I told her about my talk with Colin. About the questions I'd asked and about how confused I was that Colin answered immediately while Shy flat out refused to give me his thoughts, other than:

I've known girls who are MUCH less attractive than even your undoubtedly stilted view of yourself who have boyfriends and I have also seen girls who are a lot more crazy (honestly, you are not the bucket of neurosis you paint yourself to be, most of the time you seem perfectly normal, if quirky, and everybody is irrational sometimes) with boyfriends

Yeah. That's a different story.

But my best friend made an excellent point: new people we meet find it hard to believe we're single. This has happened to her recently, and she's come to the conclusion that being content with yourself is unusual. People who like who they are without having someone else in their lives to "complete" them tend to be overlooked because they seem happy. Her theory is that most people who WANT to have someone to date are desperate. They tell people they're single and looking. They go out of their way to find someone at parties or social gatherings. They don't sit back and just let life happen.

We let life happen.

Tired

I’ve had some long talks with my ex, Colin, recently. We were very close friends for a time, and I feel that we can be fully honest with each other without having reservations – which is a good relationship to have with someone who knows you so well. Lately I’ve been asking questions … questions that put him on the spot.

Many of these circle around one theme: why do you think guys don’t want me? I even specifically asked if my looks are what keeps guys away from me, or if it’s my personality. I even asked for specific percentages for each category. (He replied that my personality is at least 60% of why guys don’t want me, and looks are whatever’s remaining).

Tonight Colin asked me if I think companionship is what will make me happy. He said “you make it sound like if you don’t snare a good guy now, you never will.”

I don’t believe that. I think the problem here is that I’m too comfortable talking to Colin, and I assume he and I are on the same wavelength when we’re not. I don’t NEED a boyfriend to be happy. I admit that relationships have been on my mind recently, constantly, but it’s not out of desperation. It’s out of curiosity.

I am a bit of a scientist at heart.

I realized that at 22 years old I should (statistically) have had at least one guy interested in me in my lifetime. But that’s not been the case.

And before you start saying that I’m talking about my ex… he doesn’t count. I pursued him. I had to do everything in the relationship from planning when we got together to implementing the break up because he completely took me for granted. When someone uses you like he used me, that does not constitute “interest.” I know he genuinely cared for me, but doing nothing to ever show it doesn’t give that care any merit. He wouldn’t even admit we were dating.

Back to the point: I realized that I’m somewhat of an anomaly. Naturally, this sparked my curiosity, and I’ve been coming up with different hypotheses about WHY no guy has been interested in me. All of my talks with Colin are a result of me trying to gather data to support of disprove my various hypotheses. I mean, you can’t just make observations without data!

I realize now that my experimental design is flawed. Leading my test variables to believe something incorrect that might impact their data collection is just sloppy. And now my ex thinks I’m crazy.

I think it’s time I just go to sleep. It’s 6:00am, and I just made a 1up cake and cleaned the kitchen.

Woke up new

The Captain has abandoned ship, and Shy is moving to another state. My boys are leaving me. It… hurts. It’s not like there aren’t other guys I’m close with, but I’ve loved the Captain for years, and Shy… There may not have been anything between us, but there was potential. He’s the kind of guy I could hang out with and share intimate (platonic) physical closeness with. And if we’d gotten the chance to get to that point, who knows what might have transpired? He's the first guy since the Captain that I've felt I might let my guard down with and allow myself to fall for.

I know it was selfish, but I was thinking that Shy would play a major role in me getting over the Captain. It would have helped to get closer to another guy while the other shrank away into darkness. But with Shy leaving, there’s nothing special pulling me out of the Captain’s grasp and I’m afraid that maybe he will pull me down into the darkness with him. I know I’m strong. I know I can will myself to pull through anything. I was just hoping that this time I might have some outside help.

I hate distance. It consumes the soul of a friendship and vanquishes all hope.

Feelin' Fine

For a long while I’ve known that Nada Surf captured a big part of my life in their song, “Do it again.” It was this past week, with the whole blow up with my dad, that I rediscovered the song. It tends to pop up when I need it. I'm aware that it's probably a subconscious reaction on my part to stress. But that doesn't make singing the last lines with all my heart any less therapeutic.

My first listen in the car after making a random playlist filled with free songs that Barsuk Records had available for download on their website was memorable. Like many times before, I was listening to get high off the upbeat sound. Lyrics didn’t register so much, but the feel did. It registered, checked in, and made itself at home.

I would have no idea what the song was or who sang it for almost a week. Then I burned it onto a CD with some other similarly upbeat songs and began listening a bit more discernibly.

The introduction tapped into the depression I was refusing to admit I felt, even though I knew it existed. It hit on my own constant need to keep up appearances of having everything together. “I spend all my energy staying upright.” That’s exactly what I did for years. I had nothing left to give after just working to function.

Well I'd snap to attention if I thought that you knew the way
I'd open my mouth if I had something smart to say
I bought a stack of books, I didn't read a thing
It's like I'm sitting here waiting for birds to sing

It made me think of my own lethargy. It was painfully close to my situation of always waiting. Waiting for the people around me to wake up and stop taking me for granted. Waiting for my degree to happen. Waiting for that one guy to step up and tell me he loves me and then actually do something about it. Waiting for my life to start. “It’s like I’m sitting here waiting for birds to sing.” Every time I hear that line it echoes in my heart.

Looking up the lyrics provided me a view into my own emotional state of mind. I’d heard “I like the masked noise quiet of your breathing nearby” as “I like the masked noise of your quiet bleeding me alive” It never occurred to me how that line didn’t fit into the rest of the song, and it never in a million years occurred to me that the line didn’t actually make sense. All I knew what that I sympathized with a person who put energy into a relationship only to be slowly killed by the other person.

I want your lazy science, I want some peace
Are you the future? Show me the keys

All I wanted was a new start with new people. Every day I begged no one in particular to cut me a break. Show me the damned keys.

But the biggest part of the song, the thing that makes me a song I connect with, is the end:

Maybe this weight was a gift
Like I had to see what I could lift

I’ve always stood by this philosophy. All the crap I’ve had to go through, and the pain I’ve been dragged through and saturated in… I always considered it a double-edged sword. I will be far more prepared for my future than I would have been otherwise. I’ve learned to deal with the worst of things. I’ve gotten stronger every time I’ve been cut down because I’m far too stubborn to ever give in to anything. I flat out refuse to be beaten, and there have been very few situations my sheer willpower to overcome adversity has failed to pull me through. Years ago a friend of mine said that I had the strongest will of anyone he’d known. He told me there was nothing in the world my will couldn’t tough me through.

He was damn right.

So yeah, maybe this weight was a gift. And it reasserts my ability to always survive and become a better person.