What the hell?

Oh shit. I just remembered something: What do you do when you find yourself wanting to say "I love you" to someone you don't love?

I caught myself with Shy. We were saying goodbye last night, and I felt my throat tighten just a little the way it always does when I'm about to speak, and in my head I heard "I love you." Sometimes when I think about saying something I can feel myself making the words with my mouth, even though I'm not moving. That's what it was like. I felt it. I felt myself mouthing those words but it was an illusion while I just looked at him with my lips firmly shut. And I don't understand it. I have done this on the phone, too, but I always figured that it was reflexive - as my mother's about the only one who calls me regularly, so maybe Shy catches me in a habit. When I'm not physically in his presence, or hearing his voice, I have no desire or impulse to say those words.

When I think about him, and I mean really think about him, I know I don't love him. So.. deep down I know the truth and for some reason it's not registering? Sounds lame, but it's true. I can search my heart and say that I don't love him with certainty. So why all of this?

With Shy, it's being with him and hearing him that makes me want to blurt out such false sentiments. But with The Captain, I think it regularly, without provocation. That's love. Not this... thing with Shy.

Have I gotten to a point where loving and being loved are so important that I trick myself into thinking that I might want and be wanted in return? Why does it suddenly seem like wanting someone is important to me. I think I'm looking for some way to prove to myself that I'm capable of loving someone in te physical world. Loving The Captain is like loving a literary character. It's so true and not real - because all we have is writing.

This is clearly not the best scenario.